I wish my mind wasn't so messed up.

I feel a lot of pressure. And I don't know where it's coming from. I've come to a point where I can't write here because I just have nothing to say. I'm just overwhelmed with so many things that just don't seem like they stick around. I feel like I've lost the capacity to be moved. This probably sounds extremely sad but that's the only way to describe the feeling. I've just lost interest... maybe not interest but just hope? Things just don't seem worth chasing when I look ahead.

Miles Davis is the only thing that's making sense to me. Everything about the way he plays is just hopeful. It's sooo sophisticated, and delicate, and simple, and put together. I feel like if a trumpet ever cried it would sound like Miles. He says so much with so little. He knew himself, he knew that through that trumpet he could speak. And it's just so beautiful. It makes my heart just rip.

And then you have people like Kanye West going on television bantering about how annoyed he is with the way everyone thinks about him, and how the system isn't giving justice where it's due, and how he works so hard to break social norms and enlighten people to music and art and expression without bounderies yada yada yada. You know what Kanye... YOU FREAKING SUCK!!! I'm sick of music, the very source of so many peoples' freaking sanity and safety, being so critical. If you're all about the freaking music and you don't care what people say, then just do it. Get on with your freaking life and stop worrying about justice being served. The world has never appreciated beauty. The world has never taken those who labor and those who bleed behind closed doors into consideration. The world murdered the only perfectly king and just being that ever lived. The world doesn't care who spent the most money on the video, who tried the hardest, who's the most talented, or who the better person is. The world takes whatever it can get, and manifests it into money and then sucks the beauty out of anything pure and real so they can remake it and market it and transform it into more money. So if you're trying to be different then accept the fact that the majority of people won't be waiting there to wipe your butt when you realize that the VMA's pooped on your record by not picking it as the #1 video of the fracking year.

Back to Miles. This man literally quit Juilliard a year in to chase his dreams. To play His music. He spent half a year chasing one man so he could play his trumpet with him. Miles Davis would be on stage and just close his eyes during his solo. He wouldn't banter with the crowd, he wouldn't tell a bunch of jokes, he'd even turn his back at times from the crowd and play. Why? Because he didn't care about what they thought, he didn't care if people liked it, he didn't care if people judged it. Everything that came out of his trumpet was pure emotion. Passion flowed through him and he just poured it out on the world. He didn't need to open his mouth and speak, and he didn't need to justify it. That's so beautiful.

I just wish I could feel that. Just live and share the passion I have for life with other people. I wish I could talk to people and try to get to know them without worrying about being "weird", I wish I could just not care when people don't understand me and just keep playing my song. I wish I could go on when I don't get any applause. I wish I had the ability to let my heart speak. In this age, life is so consumed with being accepted. And I just find myself trapped. You're trying so hard to just be you and you can't let yourself.

Anyways, I'm just head sick. Jazz is all I need right now. I just need something free, something real. I need some consistancy. I don't think I'll be writing here for a couple of weeks 'til I figure myself out. I just feel stupid right now.