I don't like me.

I feel like I just need to talk through some stuff, so this will probably sound aimless. But this is the best I can do when I can't focus my thoughts. They just need to be put somewhere so I can read them...

I guess this is what it feels like to be dry. That's all I feel right now. It's really scary to me, because I know I'm without. I know there's something missing and I can't seem to get it back. This is probably what it feels like when someone's stolen your identity. You just feel lost. I feel like everything I do or try to do isn't working. And I guess that's because day in and day out I'm realizing that probably over 80 percent of my time is spent doing things that don't really matter. In the grand scheme of this "life", a lot of what I do isn't worth that much. If it was I guess there'd be more satisfaction in getting a good grade, or more satisfaction in the allure for making money, or more satisfaction in striving to become someone in the "real world". But I'm so confused, why do we, or why do I strive to be in this world so bad. Like who says I have to, or who made it important to be a politician or whatever. Like when did suits and pumps represent education and stuff. I guess this is stupid but at the end of the day, you can still feel. This lifestyle doesn't offset your emotions, it doesn't change who you are, it doesn't make you any happier than anyone else. I guess maybe that's what's sad, is thinking that after I go through all this, there's a great chance I still won't be happy. I still won't be doing what I'm supposed to do, because I never thought I was cut out for this anyway.

And it's stupid because I "know" what I need, but I just suck at it. God is the only thing I need, and I know that. So why did he call me to pittsburgh? Why am I sitting here on a computer trying to put my thoughts back together? Why can't I open my mouth and pray words ya know? Why can't I focus and be still? It seems like I was just thrown into a foreign country and I can't get around. I can't seem to find that piece of light that gave me hope anymore. Things just seem aimless. I've forgotten God's grace. I've forgotten that having the opportunity to live a life worth living is a gift. I've forgotten that I'm no better than anyone else, that we are all people, we all matter. I've forgotten where I've come from, and I'm starting to look like the old me. I know I don't talk the same way, but I'm starting to think like I used to. I don't know if it's that there isn't enough God in my life, because I think about Him all the time. Maybe I'm just around the wrong people. I'm not encouraged here the same way I was at home. And to be honest I don't have all the answers. I wish there was a formula with God sometimes, so I could just put A and B together and get my C whenever I need to.

I don't really know what to call this. I'm just tired. I can't even make sense of myself. I need a breakthrough. I just need to know that God's real again. That he cares. That he loves me even though I suck right now. That's the hardest part. Why does he do that? Why does he think I'm cool when I don't think he's cool all the time. He made the freaking world and I can't even give him the courtesy of talking to him everyday. That's so sad, he's the only thing that is worthy. And to be honest I'm not worthy of his time, yet he waits patiently for me, every single time. Who am I to deny him? Who am I?

I just miss him. I miss seeing everyone with positivity. I miss being able to forgive. I miss my patience. I miss the person that God made me. It's so gnarly how you get so confident at times and you forget that He was the one holding you up while you were walking. I just wanna do what I'm supposed to do, be what I'm supposed to be, whatever that is. I don't want money, or society, or the news to decide. I'm so dumb I can't even decide myself, I just want God to put me there. I'm gonna keep trying though.