God Love

How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

It's been soo long since my mind has been right. It hasn't even been a year yet and my faith suffers. And I've realized that I can't sit here and keep tallying these transgressions up like a math test or something. You don't get a score when you come out at the end of life. There is no great truth that this world is meant to teach us. "We were meant to live for so much more, and we lost ourselves," I've lost myself to the pressure. And sometimes I get so lost that I can't feel anymore. You know how it is, like you're in a room with a bunch of people and all you can here is your thoughts. All you can see is your own hurt radiated through the eyes of others. And it affects the way you live, it puts a shade on your light. But God loves us through that. God realizes that this struggle isn't easy. He understands me even though I can't allow myself to understand me. I forget that every storm, every victory, every failure, every situation, every struggle, every pain, and every thing... is for HIS glory. He's constantly molding us and changing our shape, even when it seems like he's put us on the shelf. That's so gnarly.

And as stupid as I am, as black and white as I try to make it, I forget about the Love. I forget about the blood and the empty tomb. That's all there is to this. He was pierced for my transgressions, he was led silently to slaughter like a lamb led to shearers, the world didn't know what or who he was, but his glory STILL remains forever and ever. That's it. I forget there's good news. I'm so rich I can't see through the fog in my window to see the sun shining directly upon my life. God blesses me still, every single day with health and life. Today, I'm so thankful. I should be thankful everyday but I'm not. I need to remember what's important and that is his love. It endures, it never fails, it doesn't count wrongs, it doesn't boast. It's beautiful and it lasts.

Praise be to God, my God, who has overcome the grave.

I'm gonna try to not act all reminiscent, but I really do miss the days when 90 percent of the pictures uploaded on facebook weren't from parties with red cups. So in honor of my nostalgic mood, here's some pictars from the past, cause they were some good times.

Nights like tonight re-establish my hope in the human race. Actually not even the human race, just the females. Tonight, I've received confirmation that beautiful,smart, and classy ladies do exist at this age.

:)

weakkkkk

"These canals, it seems
They all go in circles
Places look the same,
And we're the only difference"

These words from one of my favorite artists really pins the tail on the donkey regarding my feelings right now. Visiting home is refreshing at times, but at other times it just reminds you of why you left. I love my family more than anything in the world. I love my friends, but I've realized that I don't love or miss the way high school used to be. It's never good being on the outside, but I really think it's even worse being on the outside while wanting to be on the outside. Never feeling the urge to speak up. Not really wanting to talk about my life. I've realized I got a really good thing going. I got 3 awesome guys up at school. I'll never disrespect The Squad ever. Having the privilege of getting to know these young men has changed the way I see my "friends". Brotherhood is so real, real friends are so beautiful. People that are willing to tell you the truth should be cherished. And I've realized coming back home that I hold that part of me back here. I suppress my actions and just observe and wait, to only find out that nothing's really changed besides me. I never did fit the mold. I just wasn't cut out for this stuff I guess. Or maybe I'm just tired of it?

Forgive Me

Dear God,

I'm sorry. To be honest I don't know what else to say. Nothing will ever change what happened to your son. Nothing will ever make right the wrongs that have been done. I'm sorry for not being the best me I can be for you. I'm sorry for not giving the way I should, for not caring the way I should, for not loving my neighbors. God I'm just sorry for being the one that whipped you, and spit on you, and put you up on that cross. I'm sorry for laughing at you and scorning you for the times when I didn't know how things were going to go. God I'm sorry for trying to take control, for questioning your ability to do great things. God I'm just sorry for still not understanding you, for not seeking you, for ignoring you. God I just don't get myself, and I just wish that didn't come in the way of accepting what you've done for me. Today as I sit here in front of a computer screen, I watch your son get beaten and whipped and mocked at. I watch my king of kings, my author and finisher of my faith, my God, get crucified. You walked alone, when no one else could, for me. Why did you do that? I'm in awe of the fact that you'd do that for me. I complain and I doubt and I cheat and I lie. Why would you ever do that for someone like me? It just hurts my soul to know that the way you've made me rich God, it hurts me to sit here in this room with food and shelter and clothing and money and stuff God. You put that all down and you received torture God. You laid down your life God for me. Why can't I give you mine in return Lord? Why can't I find it in myself to put my hands up and give you praise all hours of the day? Why can't I give a single shred of that kindness out to others Lord?

God I will never be able to fathom your love for me. I just won't, and I'm sorry I don't thank you every single second of my time on this earth for what you've done, but I just want you to know that I recognize your grace and I'm so sorry for straying God. I wish I could take back all the things I've ever done to displease you but I can't. But I want you to know that I'm gonna do better God, I'm gonna try harder, because who you are is enough. I want to do what you want me to do. I want to be what you want me to be. I want to give the way you gave. I want to smile the way you smiled. I want to see the way you see God, because you saw something greater in me. You saw something worth dying for that I can't see in myself God. And I don't know many things on this earth, but I know you. I know your heart for me, and I know my heart for you. God today and forevermore I want to and will do my best to honor you and give you praise. I pray that you'll give me the strength to overcome temptation, and I pray you will open up my eyes to see you in everything God. For you are life. Please allow me to be patient and to accept your children. I pray that you'll give me wisdom and allow me to grow so that I'll be able to humble myself before you and trust in you with selfless faith Lord. Allow me to feel fulfilled and know that your grace is enough God. More than anything Lord, I pray that I'll be attracted to your light and your will more than anything on this earth Lord. Please help me keep my eyes on the heavens God. Allow me to pour out your love upon other God. I'm sorry and I'm broken, but I know I was made for more God. Lift me up on the wings of eagles today Lord.
I give you all the honor and all the glory, because you alone are worthy. Thank you for your sacrifice, your love, and your grace.

Your Son,
Mervyn Egerton LeRoy Levy III

I wish my mind wasn't so messed up.

I feel a lot of pressure. And I don't know where it's coming from. I've come to a point where I can't write here because I just have nothing to say. I'm just overwhelmed with so many things that just don't seem like they stick around. I feel like I've lost the capacity to be moved. This probably sounds extremely sad but that's the only way to describe the feeling. I've just lost interest... maybe not interest but just hope? Things just don't seem worth chasing when I look ahead.

Miles Davis is the only thing that's making sense to me. Everything about the way he plays is just hopeful. It's sooo sophisticated, and delicate, and simple, and put together. I feel like if a trumpet ever cried it would sound like Miles. He says so much with so little. He knew himself, he knew that through that trumpet he could speak. And it's just so beautiful. It makes my heart just rip.

And then you have people like Kanye West going on television bantering about how annoyed he is with the way everyone thinks about him, and how the system isn't giving justice where it's due, and how he works so hard to break social norms and enlighten people to music and art and expression without bounderies yada yada yada. You know what Kanye... YOU FREAKING SUCK!!! I'm sick of music, the very source of so many peoples' freaking sanity and safety, being so critical. If you're all about the freaking music and you don't care what people say, then just do it. Get on with your freaking life and stop worrying about justice being served. The world has never appreciated beauty. The world has never taken those who labor and those who bleed behind closed doors into consideration. The world murdered the only perfectly king and just being that ever lived. The world doesn't care who spent the most money on the video, who tried the hardest, who's the most talented, or who the better person is. The world takes whatever it can get, and manifests it into money and then sucks the beauty out of anything pure and real so they can remake it and market it and transform it into more money. So if you're trying to be different then accept the fact that the majority of people won't be waiting there to wipe your butt when you realize that the VMA's pooped on your record by not picking it as the #1 video of the fracking year.

Back to Miles. This man literally quit Juilliard a year in to chase his dreams. To play His music. He spent half a year chasing one man so he could play his trumpet with him. Miles Davis would be on stage and just close his eyes during his solo. He wouldn't banter with the crowd, he wouldn't tell a bunch of jokes, he'd even turn his back at times from the crowd and play. Why? Because he didn't care about what they thought, he didn't care if people liked it, he didn't care if people judged it. Everything that came out of his trumpet was pure emotion. Passion flowed through him and he just poured it out on the world. He didn't need to open his mouth and speak, and he didn't need to justify it. That's so beautiful.

I just wish I could feel that. Just live and share the passion I have for life with other people. I wish I could talk to people and try to get to know them without worrying about being "weird", I wish I could just not care when people don't understand me and just keep playing my song. I wish I could go on when I don't get any applause. I wish I had the ability to let my heart speak. In this age, life is so consumed with being accepted. And I just find myself trapped. You're trying so hard to just be you and you can't let yourself.

Anyways, I'm just head sick. Jazz is all I need right now. I just need something free, something real. I need some consistancy. I don't think I'll be writing here for a couple of weeks 'til I figure myself out. I just feel stupid right now.

#14

my earliest memory:

I think my earliest memory was my 3rd or 4th birthday party. I remember it was at Bowl America and I wanted an umbrella really bad and I got this yellow hercules umbrella. So the rest of the time I went to the bus stop and it rained I could look official.

HAHAHAHA

God is beautiful. It has been 4 hours and all I can do is smile. He always shows up. He never fails. I forgot how much I love worshipping. It's so different when you just listen to the words that you've sang a billion times and take the time to believe. To really believe. Today was needed. Being broken to be built up once again is super gnarly.

"I know I'm filled to be emptied again,
The seed I've received I will sow."

Keep The Peace, and to God the glory. Always.

I don't like me.

I feel like I just need to talk through some stuff, so this will probably sound aimless. But this is the best I can do when I can't focus my thoughts. They just need to be put somewhere so I can read them...

I guess this is what it feels like to be dry. That's all I feel right now. It's really scary to me, because I know I'm without. I know there's something missing and I can't seem to get it back. This is probably what it feels like when someone's stolen your identity. You just feel lost. I feel like everything I do or try to do isn't working. And I guess that's because day in and day out I'm realizing that probably over 80 percent of my time is spent doing things that don't really matter. In the grand scheme of this "life", a lot of what I do isn't worth that much. If it was I guess there'd be more satisfaction in getting a good grade, or more satisfaction in the allure for making money, or more satisfaction in striving to become someone in the "real world". But I'm so confused, why do we, or why do I strive to be in this world so bad. Like who says I have to, or who made it important to be a politician or whatever. Like when did suits and pumps represent education and stuff. I guess this is stupid but at the end of the day, you can still feel. This lifestyle doesn't offset your emotions, it doesn't change who you are, it doesn't make you any happier than anyone else. I guess maybe that's what's sad, is thinking that after I go through all this, there's a great chance I still won't be happy. I still won't be doing what I'm supposed to do, because I never thought I was cut out for this anyway.

And it's stupid because I "know" what I need, but I just suck at it. God is the only thing I need, and I know that. So why did he call me to pittsburgh? Why am I sitting here on a computer trying to put my thoughts back together? Why can't I open my mouth and pray words ya know? Why can't I focus and be still? It seems like I was just thrown into a foreign country and I can't get around. I can't seem to find that piece of light that gave me hope anymore. Things just seem aimless. I've forgotten God's grace. I've forgotten that having the opportunity to live a life worth living is a gift. I've forgotten that I'm no better than anyone else, that we are all people, we all matter. I've forgotten where I've come from, and I'm starting to look like the old me. I know I don't talk the same way, but I'm starting to think like I used to. I don't know if it's that there isn't enough God in my life, because I think about Him all the time. Maybe I'm just around the wrong people. I'm not encouraged here the same way I was at home. And to be honest I don't have all the answers. I wish there was a formula with God sometimes, so I could just put A and B together and get my C whenever I need to.

I don't really know what to call this. I'm just tired. I can't even make sense of myself. I need a breakthrough. I just need to know that God's real again. That he cares. That he loves me even though I suck right now. That's the hardest part. Why does he do that? Why does he think I'm cool when I don't think he's cool all the time. He made the freaking world and I can't even give him the courtesy of talking to him everyday. That's so sad, he's the only thing that is worthy. And to be honest I'm not worthy of his time, yet he waits patiently for me, every single time. Who am I to deny him? Who am I?

I just miss him. I miss seeing everyone with positivity. I miss being able to forgive. I miss my patience. I miss the person that God made me. It's so gnarly how you get so confident at times and you forget that He was the one holding you up while you were walking. I just wanna do what I'm supposed to do, be what I'm supposed to be, whatever that is. I don't want money, or society, or the news to decide. I'm so dumb I can't even decide myself, I just want God to put me there. I'm gonna keep trying though.

#13

Somewhere I'd like to move or visit:

Well, I think I'd like to move or visit Ashburn, Virginia to be honest. I know that's kinda lame, but that place is always just right for me. It literally was everything I wanted for growing up. Everything about Ashburn was just beautiful. I miss that place dearly. If I could it'd be cool to raise a family there.

I guess if it wasn't home it'd be California. California draws me in because it's the best of both worlds. Sweet weather for skating and awesome winters up north with buckets of snow for snowboarding. I think that'd be sick, just being able to do both in one state. Besides that I dunno, I'd like to see the world, but I don't have any particulars.

#12

Bullet my day:

-wake up
-take shower
-go to class
-take nap
-procrastinate
-go to lunch
-go to class
-do hw
-go to class
-dinner
-nap
-sleep

yes... nap and sleep are different. I just got up from my nap and I'm about to go to bed.

Keep The Peace

NEW FAVORITE DANCE SONG

"Hey boy watch me move it shake it cross the dancefloor"

*bling* *blang* *blong*

#11

Put my iPod on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up:

Well I'm gonna use iTunes, and I'm just gonna write the first ten.

1. Dizzy Gillespie: My Melancholy Baby

2. Daft Punk: Drinking In LA

3. The Album Leaf: End Title

4. Steel Pulse: Chant A Psalm

5. Kill Bill Soundtrack: Battle Without Honor Or Humanity

6. Lupe Fiasco: And He Gets The Girl

7. John Scofield: Time Marches On

8. Hillsong United: Devotion

9. Spyro Gyra: Wrapped In A Dream

10. Ben Kweller: Falling

I guess I've realized that there are three main passions in my life.

Snowboarding/Longboarding
Music/DJing
Photography

I feel like today I've really acknowledged that. That's where all my free time goes towards it seems. I just don't know what to do with that. How things are going now just seems so right. There's not better feeling than dropping a song and hearing the whole party go wild while everyone puts their hands up and sings the words. There's no better feeling than cruising through snow and just breathing mountain air with your friends. There's nothing better than being alone and capturing something beautiful, creating art that evokes emotion. All these things mean a lot to me, but at the same time I feel like there isn't really a school for the type of things I get out of them. It's strictly personal ya know. No one can teach me how to love music, or how to enjoy snowboarding, or how to see a picture taking subject. People can influence that, but I am the only one that makes the moves, that makes the choices. I'm starting to get that in my life, that's starting to click. I just don't know where to take that though....

Keep The Peace

#10

Discuss my first love and first kiss:

First "love" was freshman year. I don't really know how I feel about it, but it was definitely a learning experience. I have this thing where I seem to like the girls I get into relationships with way more than they like me. So I guess that leaves me open to get burned. I realized that all relationships don't have to be bickering ones in junior year when I was in my 2nd relationship. I think that was the closest thing to love in that form I've ever felt. I wish that one could've worked out and I find myself thinking about it every once in awhile. I guess when it comes down to it I was too young? I still don't really know exactly what I want. All I know is that I want someone who wants me for me. They want me because they like me, the way I am, the way I look at things. I guess I want someone who can listen and look through my eyes and ride through my dreams because they just want to see how the view is from my perspective. That's all I really want I guess. Someone interested. I feel like my first love and first kiss was in junior year, and I hope my second love will be my last.

I took basements for granted back home. I'd kill for my basement. Just for the solitude. The quiet. That cold. I like it down there. It's so me. I can sit in my huge room and listen to my vinyl and just dream. I find myself dreaming more lately. The more people ask me about my future the more unsure I seem to get. I feel like I can't control it anyways you know. I feel like it's not for me to decide so why should I worry so much about it. I'm gonna do my best but ultimately I can't control how things pan out. I can't control whether I get that interview, I can't control whether I make it across the street alive or not. All I know is what I am. I know what's real to me. I know what's worth risking, what's worth defining yourself over. I know what passion feels like. I know what happiness feels like. But why do I find myself holding me back? Why does the world want to restrain me? I don't get how this "life" is supposed to work out. People expect something from everyone, but no one really asks the right questions it seems. No one really wants to know what's deeper. I think we're afraid if we ask, we'll realize that we made a wrong move. We'll rekindle our true aspirations. We'll rediscover ourselves.

#9

How I hope my future to be like:

I hope for my future to be joyful. I hope for my future to be filled with fulfillment. I hope for my future to be meaningful. I hope for it to be something that makes God and myself happy. I hope for my future to be positive. I don't really know what I want. There's way too much in this world to narrow it down. But I just want to be where I'm supposed to be. That's what I hope for my future.

#8

A moment I've felt the most satisfied with my life:

I've had only a few of these but the first one that came to my mind was winning regionals this past year in soccer for Stone Bridge. That whole day that transpired was just so amazing. It was literally perfect, I wouldn't have asked for it to go any other way. Well maybe I could've felt better if we didn't go 2 down in the first half but it made the game that much more epic when we won. Whenever I look at the pictures I almost just wanna sit and cry. Months culminated to that moment. Days and days of hard work, losses. I'll never forget how angry I was at halftime. I've never been so pissed at a game in my life. But the way the team responded, the way we went out there and made a name for ourselves was incredible. We did what no one expected us to do and I was just so proud and so blessed to be a part of such a great group of young men. We all were champions that day, and we deserved to raise that cup high and sing 'til we could sing no more. We arrived.

:D

Ya know.... sometimes I just make myself laugh. I went to this Pitt Dance Ensemble performance on Saturday to support my friend Amanda, (she's lovely mind you)and the last dance featured this girl that was representing an addiction. She was struggling between this boy that was her refuge and temptation which was represented by this other girl. The piece was really moving. After math on monday which ends around 7:15, I went to dinner and when I went into the stir frye line I saw her there. I double checked to make sure it was her and I asked if she was in the performance and told her she was really good. The conversation was super short but it was cool, you gotta give kudos where kudos are due. She's really pretty, and she's just one of those people that looks graceful, somewhat quiet, comfortable in herself. Mind me I don't know this person. So, about 5 minutes ago, I just went and got some hot chocolate and I saw her downstairs again. After my bud Amanda told me her name I decided to do what everyone does these days... look her up on facebook. And of course when I did, I come to find she's in a relationship.

NOW... don't get me wrong, I'm not super bummed about this. It's just funny because it seems just about every single classy girl I've met up here is in a relationship. It happens so often to the point where I can literally say, "Oh, she's classy, I bet she has a boyfriend," and without fail they always do. So I'm over being dissapointed in that fact, I'm just happy that these beautiful and impressionable people I've been able to meet are happy and have found someone. And the one day that I get lucky and I run into the right lady and she's free.... well you know.... SPARKS :)


I like 'em green.

Keep The Peace

#7

My zodiac sign, and do I think it fits my personality:

I'm a Libra. So I looked up Libra traits and this is what I found...

Traits of a Libra:
Desires popularity x
Loves art
Neat
Dresses up for the occassion
Slight perfectionist
Narcisstic x
Charitable
Bossy at times
Plans ahead
Attention to detail
Loves public service

Likes...
Beauty
Gifts
Debates x
Attention x
Intellectual conversations
Admiration
Credit cards x
Mingling
Subtle colours, textures
Haute Coutour x

Dislikes...
Noise
Confusion
Sloppiness
Ugliness x
Dirt x
Pressured decisions
Being rushed
Criticism x


I put x's by the ones that I don't really see fitting me.

#6

30 interesting facts about myself:

(this is gonna be tough)

1. my name is Egey, which comes from my middle name Egerton, which comes from my whole name Mervyn Egerton LeRoy Levy III
2. I'm 1/8 Chinese
3. Part Jamaican
4. I'm a DJ
5. I'm a photographer
6. I love green eyes
7. I love 80's music/hip culture
8. I love turtles
9. I love purple
10. I used to do ballet and tap, but then I got sick in the room and threw up so my mom didn't make me anymore
11. I threw up on a plane once (embarrassing)
12. Never broken a bone
13. Young MC is my dad's cousin (so we're related)
14. I've had 4 teeth pulled
15. I stabbed my foot with a pencil once by accident and there's still a mark there
16. I'm in love with Ellen Page (we're getting married)
17. I play the drums
18. I played piano for about 6 years
19. I feel like I'd look weird in boat shoes
20. I hate when people breath heavily, or talk loudly, or grind their teath when they sleep.
21. I like 'em classy
22. I have an obssession with Vans
23. My two favorite songs will forever be Justice: D.A.N.C.E. and Junior Senior: Move Your Feet
24. I don't have any regrets
25. I'm really not super into black culture, but I respect where the race has come from.
26. I hate politics.
27. I love nothing more than a quality church service
28. Cheese is my favorite cake
29. I don't really like when people wear makeup, I just think everyone should look natural.
30. I can't sing, but I wish I could.

I guess that wasn't as tough as I thought it would be. I feel like I'm not that interesting either.

This still makes me laughhh

"All I do is Sin"

(In T-Pain voice)

"All I want is Love Love Love no matter what,
Got Jesus on my mind I can never get enough,
And everytime we step up to the altar, everybody's hands go UP.....
AND THEY STAY THERE!!"


hooooooooooooooooood




Keep The Peace

(to be continued)

This is what music videos should look like. I would love to be that man in the suspenders.

#5

A time I thought about ending my life.

I don't think there has legitimately been one time I've honestly thought about ending my life. I'm really glad I haven't reached that emotional extreme.

#4

What are my views on religion?

Religion:

1. a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of the universe, esp. when considered as the creation of a superhuman agency or agencies, usually involving devotional and ritual observances, and often containing a moral code governing the conduct of human affairs.

To be honest I don't like religion. I used to think that religion was for me. I'd go about trying to put 2 and 2 together to get 4 and I'd never really get it ya know? I was that kid that grew up in the church but wouldn't be able to feel God if he smacked me in the face. My devotional and ritual observances weren't good enough. Reading the bible and going to church didn't change who I was. Sticking to my morals didn't give me fulfillment or drive me to keep living. As much as people think that people like me have received the gift of the spirit by devoting time and effort to master a set of skills or to read a whole book is just wrong. The feeling I have is a gift that is undeserved. The way I see cannot be defined by religion's bounds and those people who were religious were the same people that killed Jesus Christ. So I choose not to identify myself as religious. I don't live my life in a religious fashion either. I do what I do, and I try my best to listen to God. To please Him first. Religion can't tell me what God likes the most from me. Only God tells me. I don't do religion.

Keep The Peace

Psalm 84:10-12

"Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
than dwell in the tents of the wicked.
For the Lord God is a sun and shield;
the Lord bestows favor and honor;
no good thing does he withhold
from those whose walk is blameless.
O Lord Almighty,
blessed is the man who trusts in you."

Me

I'm in a somewhat self-reflective mood right now and I know I've changed some and I don't like it. I remember right when I got saved I was so joyful and happy and humble. I gave a lot, and I was really interested in people and helping out. Ever since I've arrived at college that seems to have changed. I find myself really shelled up and I think it's because there's so much going around me that I'm not realy into. It's tough to see people for who they are because it seems like no one wants to be themselves. I can meet people and have the shallowest of conversations and it makes it difficult not to judge ya know?

So now I find that I complain, I'm irritable, and I guess I'm just tired and annoyed. I still haven't really found anyone I can talk about God to here. And maybe that's the thing. It's tough to focus on what's truly important to me... and that's an issue. I've been really thinking about starting this bible study with my buds and I think I really need to do it. I feel like it can only help and it would open up an avenue of which we all can express ourselves and actually learn about each other. I think the lack of consideration and kindness in a majority of the people I come in contact with is what's setting me off. I see sad displays of courtesy and noble character on a daily basis. That along with being sick more than being well is affecting my temperament. And it's not good.

I just want to be able to see people and smile and not judge and be open. I miss that about myself. I miss the time at home when it wasn't about me. When I made it so I can relate to everyone. I feel like people back home really listened to me. Maybe it's cause they could see how I changed when I got saved. I feel like when I'm here and I speak from my heart my peers don't hear me. They can't see how moved I am about certain things. There's a lot of people that are okay with trading in their morals or sacrificing their identities for attention. I wish my words would just mean something to somebody ya know? I've been hurt, I've been broken, I've been lost, I've been weary, and I've been burdened. I feel like I was made to help and to inspire, but I've been seeing less of that side of me and more of some other person I don't know. I just need to re-discover myself.

I can't wait for church tomorrow morning. Miss you Jesus.

Keep The Peace

#3

So yea... this is the actual list, and I'm on number 3.

What are my views on drugs and alcohol?

I don't like them. To be honest I just don't understand the whole drugs and alcohol scene. Now don't catch me wrong, I have no issues with people who do drugs and drink alcohol, it's just not for me for a few reasons.

1. Yes I have drank alcohol before, yes I have been drunk once, yes it was fun. No, I don't need to drink to have fun. EVER. My life is awesome, I have so many other interests and I get a kick out of being alive. I really don't need to drink to enjoy my life.

2. Alcohol and drugs are illegal. Pretty self-explanatory. No reason to open myself up to further drama.

3. It changes people. Sometimes for the better I guess, sometimes for the worse. To be honest I just want people to like me for me, and if you end up falling in love with me because of how awesome I am drunk then I think that's lame. Cool people are cool people... without drugs and alcohol.

4. Ultimately alcohol and drugs cost money. I'm not interested in spending mine or anyone else's money on alcohol or drugs.

5. They don't benefit you. They can't help you. You may have fun but I feel like the release I get when I longboard or when I DJ isn't the same type of release from stress or whatever you get when you're drunk. I get enjoyment out of doing other things for fun and they're less taxing on my body.

6. God doesn't want me to. There's a reason why authority is set up in my life. In Isaiah 5:22 it says, "Woe to those who are heroes at drinking wine and champions at mixing drinks." It just isn't good for me and God has always kept me from it.

7. I never really saw the allure of drugs and alcohol. We have the gift of knowledge today ladies and gentleman. I can see on TV how this man smoked cigarettes for this long and died. I can see on TV how this guy was playing drinking games and has so much "fun" that he choked on his own vomit and died. Not saying this is gonna happen to me, but I can just see the harm it can do. Women get taken advantage of. Men and women sometimes get so sloppy they can't control their bodies. Not saying this is anyone, just saying I've seen it and it doesn't attract me.

I think you guys get it.

Keep The Peace

#2

Angela, I'm really sorry if it annoys you that I'm copying this, if it does just lemme know and I'll stop.

Where do I want to be in ten years?

To be honest, I can see myself places doing certain things but I'm not sure really where I want to be. That's like saying who do I want to be my wife. I have some ideas but at the same time I believe there's only one right person or life track for me. Nothing is guaranteed in this life so I'm not really sure where I think I want to be that far ahead. All I can say is that I want to be wherever God wants me. That's what will make me happy and that's what will be what's best for me.

This made my day!

Following this brief introduction is a prayer from my good friend HEATHHEERRR. Now, if you don't know Heather then I'm sorry for you because she is a wonderful human being. She's one of those people that once you come in contact with, even the slightest little confrontation, you'll remember forever. She has that light, that glow about her that only women of God have. You can see it in the way she relates to others, the way she moves with confidence, the was she lives. I know no one is perfect, but Heather is one of the people I can truly say is beautiful inside and out. Her words and her heart are changing the world and I know God has great things in store for her. Reading this prayer just made me so happy and blessed to have talked to her and learned about her. And I hope one day soon we'll be able to catch up and drink smoothies :). Praise God for you and I hope God is with you in all that you do bud. You rock!

"Hey God,

I know my gift’s compassion. Help me to help others tonight. God, help me to put others first. Let me listen to You word.

God, you know the healing and need, even if I don’t. Help me to have the energy I need to be a good witness-a beacon of YOUR light to the world.

I’m not perfect…but God, You’ve blessed me so much and I don’t understand. I’m so undeserving of any blessing You’ve given.

Lord, please bless those here at Bible study tonight. I know there’s healing to be done in every way. Lay Your hands on them and give them grace. Give them hearts that are open and hungry for You. Fill their minds with thoughts of You and give them the strength to do Your will and hear Your voice.

Give the pastors strength tonight, Lord, as they hear the woes of the women. It’s not easy to listen to that and not carry it as a burden. Protect them and strengthen their hearts. God give them the words to pray and to heal these women in whatever way they need to be healed. Put the Holy Spirit on their tongues and in their hands. Make hte oil with which they anoint the women represent Your son-THE Anointed One.

Bless the mothers-Lord they are incredible! They may be under a lot of stress and burden, but whatever it may be, Lord, let them not blame themselves. And bless the daughters here-teens, too. In today’s world it’s difficult to live for You but God, give them the breastplate of salvation and the belt of truth. Let their sword (Your word) be stronger and sharper than ever, and get stronger everyday as they prepare to battle the enemy. Prepare the young ladies to become women. Make them precious jewels that follow Your path. Make Your paths known to them.

Lord, bless and keep the marriages these women are in, in Your hands. Save the breaking ones and create a new power in them. Make them stronger and tie the bonds tighter than before.

Lord, bless those that need physical healing. The pain is unbearable, and You know that-take it away-in whatever way is in accordance to Your will. Bring peace to the suffering. Build up friendships and break down walls.

God, You’re the creator of the universe and can do anything. Save them. Heal them. Blow their noses and hold their hands. IN YOU we are children again. Help us to know we need You. You are everything. Never let us forget. Let us lose our pride and shed our fear. IN YOU we are whole again.

Lord, some women are just…so tired. Give them rest. Let them find that rest in You.

For all those unbelievers, Lord, use the women here tonight to proclaim Your everything. Help us to show others to Your salvation. Do a holy work in us tonight, God. Let your holy holy HOLY spirit melt the hearts of ice, raise arms, bow heads, and proclaim praise.

You give us trials for a reason. Help us to know You’re always there, holding our hands, following Your lead. You are an amazing God. You’re everywhere; omnipresent. You’re everything; incomparable, and Lord, we’ll never fathom Your whole existence. But, You’re real. You’re amazing and everlasting. THANK YOU.

I confess-I’m not perfect. I have pride issues and I don’t think before I speak. Sometimes I lie and cheat and can be fake. Sometimes I feel like giving up on life and sometimes I forget to ask You for help. Forgive me. Please. Of everything. Create in me a new heart and make me whole. Break me down and apart so that You can dwell in me.

Lord, take this anger-this hatred-away from me. It doesn’t belong to me. It’s not mine. Allow me to heal.

Lord, please heal the broken hearted. Let them know You are the lover of their souls and hold their hearts in Yours.

Help the women to not be anxious, to not worry about anything except their relationship with You. Help them know that’s all that matters.

God, thank You for the works You’ve done in my life. I don’t understand, nor will I ever, but for some reason You’ve given me a gift. Thank You. You’ve given me my music and acting, my writing, my intellect, my compassion, my hunger, my empathy, my intuitiveness. Thank You for everything You’ve given.

Lord, thank You, and I praise You, for my family. They’re amazing, even if they’re a lottle disfunctional.

Thank You for my friends. I have the most amazing support system, and I can’t thank You enough.

God, I just want to thank You for every gift You’ve given me. Lord-one last petition tonight:

Bless the world-peace be brought. Give happiness to the distressed, joy to the downtrodden, and rest to the weary. Give the lost a light to be found. Give the friendless a family and the homeless a shelter and the confused a strong mind. Give the weak a heart of passionate steel.

Last of all, thank You for the gift of life, and the gift of Your son. I wouldn’t be able to thank You for anything without Him. You’re the best.

I love You.

I love how You love us. Your salvation is incredible. You are everything <3"

It's not cool to be a D

ALRIGHT.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little annoyed tonight. Instead of going to History Of Jazz lecture this week, we had to go to a presentation since it's jazz festival week at Pitt. For class credit we had to attend this little lecture by this guy who had went to Pitt and wrote books on Miles Davis and Coltrane and he had some really interesting stories and insight. So he starts telling these stories and talking about them and jazz in general and he talks about how he was on his honeymoon in San Jose at a restaraunt when he heard about Coltrane's death over the radio. He said the man that owned the restaraunt loved Coltrane so much that he fed everyone for free that was in there the rest of the day. The man that was giving the lecture had to take a moment because he started crying. Coltrane's talent on the sax was that powerful that it literally moved people emotionally.

Another thing he said was that one time he was talking to someone about a player, and the guy he was talking to said that the man was a heroine addict and he remembered the last show he played with him he had to get rushed out because he was bleeding from his nose, eyes, and ears. He was that messed up. The lecture speaker went on to say that many of these musicians paid a heavy price to create this music in regards to lifestyle etc. And of course... there had to be some nugget behind me that said, "Well don't take heroine." In a sarcastic voice.

That just sent me over the fracking edge. I can't stand when people don't take the effort to understand how things are or were so they just make fun of it. People that can't get into jazz don't understand it because they don't know about the culture, the origins, or play the music. I'm cool with that, but don't write it off because you can't understand it or it's not your thing. Those men paved the way for modern music. Those men embodied what it is to be an American, what it is to feel and breath, and they expressed that through instruments in ways that people TODAY only wish they could master. So just because you don't get it don't freaking poke fun at an idea or someone's life. Don't sit behind me and be rude for the whole hour you had to sit there. HOT DANG.

Anyways, that's it. It was just beautiful seeing that man on the stage just laugh with himself while he reminisced meeting these players, and speak about his true passion. Regardless of whatever that is, a person with passion and drive is priceless. I wouldn't have been able to just leave early from that lecture just out of respect for that man. I don't even know him but you could feel his energy. That's important.

Well... I saw that Angela was copying Erin's little November 30 days thing so I thought it would be fun to do the same to give people some more insight on Mervyn in a more exterior way.

So here's #1: Your current relationship status. If single, discuss how single life is.

I'm single, been single for almost two years now. I always feel like I wouldn't mind being in a relationship, but at the same time when "opportunities" arise or people show interest in me I realize that I'm not willing to date a lot of people. I've given up on looking. The right relationships always happen upon themselves it seems, so being single and being okay with it has enabled me to devote more time to myself. To figure me out, and to get some things straight so I know when I find the right person I'll be able to be the best me possible ya know? Being single's been pretty chill, and that's pretty much all I'm used to.

welp...

I failed my first math test today. And I realized the origin of my hate for math... It spawns from the fact that when I don't understand it, there's nothing really I can do to better understand it besides try to understand it more. And there is only one single road to success, and that's the road with the correct fracking answer on the page. It's not like history where if I don't know it then I can use other context clues from other regions or narrow down my options and make up an educated guess. Or english where I can interpret a script and write about it. It's not even you know it or you don't, it's more like is it 2nd nature or not? There's things I know about math and I still can't answer certain things that I guess i "should" know even though half that bullcrap isn't used in daily life anyways.

Time to eat some terrible college food!

/rant.

Into The Sea

Songs without lyrics are so right. It's nice to let the music make up its own story.

p.s. I just read the comments under this song on youtube and someone posted this:

"even a tortured soul can continue to enjoy little things. not 10 men or 10 hours of pain can change that. force can never take away hope no matter how hard the enemy wants it to, and a trained eye can see hope in anything. a true warrior fights through life and death, but it takes the strongest of man to die."

Such a powerful statement. Someone needs to read this today.

Well it's one o'clock now. I was planning on trying to study for math, but it seems I'll just have to save that for tomorrow. Days seem to just blend into eachother now. Time in college just seems irrelevant. There are days that I'll stay up 'til 3 in another dorm and there are days that I'll take naps at 7:30 in the evening and wake up, work for an hour, and go back to sleep. Maybe that's what makes me sick. I think it's sad that this is the 3rd time that I've started to get sick within 2 and a half months and it's always the same feeling. Hopefully I can kick it this time.

As I'm sitting here listening to my roommate snore, I just thought how nice it'd be if everyone blogged. There's a couple people that I always come around to in my mind, and wonder just how they think. How they evaluate their lives. How do they look at people. Sometimes you just want a straight answer. Sometimes I just want people to speak, unbiased to whoever may or may not be listening. I think that's all this blog has been for me. A place where I can just say what I want to say, what I know I should say but maybe I didn't have the courage to say earlier. That's important. Sometimes we just need to be real. Today's one of those days that I'd just like to be a senior in high school again. I'd do anything for an early release lunch run to Chipotle with those kids. Or maybe to just cruise. I miss my longboard. I miss the air, and the solitude. Hitting the hill after a football game, riding the vacant street. Moments like those are irreplaceable. Tonight I'm missing home just a little bit more than usual. Things seemed really bright in Virginia.

Well it's time for God and bed time.

Keep The Peace

November

I'm glad it's a new month. I just need a new beginning. Things seem a little fresher today. I can feel the crisp cold, I'm ready for winter I think. I'm wearing my first sweater today.

I'm coming back to myself again. That's such a good feeling. I'm going back to what I know. Prayer, The Word, and Praise. Those are the only things I know for sure work in my life. This life is so simple for me sometimes. These things make me happy, and isn't that what life is about? Why do we sell out for anything less than that? We put the money, or the name, or the prestige above a smile on our face. I find that so wrong. This world shouldn't be putting its stamp on us, we should be leaving our mark on the world. With Everything.

I'm so happy I'm at peace with my spirit right now. I can finally think coherently. Just a thought here... it's crazy what time does to people. I'm just thinking back two years ago to someone I knew. Or maybe I thought I knew them? I don't know but I just remember such beauty and grace. I just remember seeing a light emit from her, she glowed. She had awesome green eyes and an even more beautiful heart. And now all I see is less than pleasing pictures coupled with less than attractive language. I remember how modest and down to earth she was. I think that's really beautiful. I remember how she'd listen and say some words funny. And even though things didn't go right, she's a good person. She has a good heart, and I know somewhere down the road she'll do something great. I just can't recognize her now. I know the person I once knew is in there. Maybe she couldn't even recognize me if she saw me. It'd be nice to talk one day.

I'm never gonna settle. I want someone who loves Jesus more than I do. I want someone who can't live without Him. I've come to realize that the only reason why I am is because He was. I can't live this life by myself. And it hurts because I can sit here and type this and it will be completely foreign to so many people. It will be so foreign that someone's gonna sit here and judge this and yell blasphemy in their minds thinking how stupid and ignorant I am for thinking that something I can't see could lead me to say that I can't live my own life. If you're that "guy", that person that just doesn't get it, then I'm sorry.

I'm just happy. I'm happy whether it rains, whether it shines, whether I get 40 text messages or 0, whether I have a girl on my arm or not, whether I make 4 billion dollars or 4 thousand dollars, whether people love me or they don't. Because God loves me. And He is the only reason why I breathe, why I smile. I wish people could feel that today.

Keep The Peace



This is what happiness looks like.