Vermont

So this past weekend I went to Vermont to shred the gnar with coolstreak. On a scale of 1-10 I'd say the trip was a solid 6 maybe a 7. The mountain was sick, just not enough time to ride combined with a hotel far away, multiplied by 12 hour bus rides with potheads brought the score down a little bit. But it's funny because I learned a lot about myself on this trip. Yes, things that I already knew, but I realized the strength I had inside and how positive and negative that can be.

I'm not gonna lie, these past couple weeks I've been away from God. It's tough because you feel like you're free and you feel like your mind is finally "open" to new things and your head is starting to convince you that you've been missing out and I should be more relaxed about college and this is the only time in my life where I'll get to explore and I don't want to wake up one day wishing I did all this stuff that I never did and all that BS. At the end of the day it's garbage. I'm sorry if I'm offending someone but I think it's a bunch of trash. The hardest thing to do in the morning is to wake up and like who you are every single day. To wake up and be cool with the way you look, the things you represent, the way you talk, the friends you chill with, the road your walking on, the life you're leading etc. is very difficult. But I've come to realize that it's very easy for me to trick myself into starting to believe that I'm alright in the condition I'm in. That I'm satisfied just being whatever the name Egey entails. That it's fine that I made it this far and now it's time to go do a bunch of other stuff that really won't make a difference in my life. Those thoughts are a gateway drug.

In my sociology class we were talking about values and the professor said your values usually are what you'd want people to say of you at your funeral. Words like hardworking and honest came up. Then the professor asked if you died today would people really think that about you. And to be honest that's real life. We live moment to moment and the legacy we leave behind is all we have. No one's gonna cared how many coc lines you snorted, how many shots of tequila you drank, or how many grams of weed you smoked yesterday. All that stuff is temporary. Everything is temporary. So why if all we have is today are we going to waste these moments on things that are detrimental to us?

It was so weird because once I was sitting on that bus smelling the weed coming out of that restroom, I realized that nothing about this is what I want. Nothing about this do I feel like I'm missing out on. I don't want to find some sloppy girl at a party that'll like me in the dark while she's under the influence. I don't want to have to talk myself up to everyone and justify why I'm the way I am. Why do I need to justify to anyone what makes me happy and what makes me me? God judges me. That's it. I think that's my biggest realization about becoming an adult. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself and God. I'm tired of trying to be something just so I can go and tell other people that aren't better than me that I'm something. There are things out there so pure and so real. Shredding to me is one of those things. Just cruising through the mountains listening to music. It's so everything all at once, but yet you're not focusing on life at all. That's what gives me joy and I'm so glad God has blessed me with the opportunity to feel that.

Today I'm just thankful. I'm thankful for God and his sacrifice. I'm thankful for the fact that he's made me strong and hungry. He's sparked my heart and in his own mysterious ways he keeps me on track. Without him I don't think I'd be very happy at all. Without him I don't think I'd be much help at all. All I wanna do is help. I just want to see those around me happy, like I'm happy. That's the best thing this world has to offer.