North

I don't know how to explain me anymore. Which I guess is weird, but I don't really know what to do about it. Things have gotten overly complicated I guess. This feeling of just being and not living is scary. Although I know things I really don't KNOW a lot of things that are important I guess. In short my direction, my vision, my mind is all jacked up. I don't remember the last time I've really been so confused about nothing.

I can't conquer myself. I fall into a slump. I can't keep my own promises. I'm lazy. I don't put work into a lot of things. Which I find to be very unsurprising, but at the same time I make it. God pulls me through. And I'm far from perfect, but I need to understand that none of this was me. I can't control what people put on me and what makes me feel the way I do, but God influences and controls what means something to me. Which is a weird discovery. I never understood why I always fell back to music and art and expression and solitude. The simple fact is that's how God programmed me. I've spent the last 3 hours looking at DJ videos on youtube. God is the reason why I can do that and marvel at the creativity and originality of such an isolated trade. I forget how simple it is. I blind myself daily. And it's troubling.

I start to program myself to see all the darkness and all the inconveniences of my first world, middle to upper class lifestyle. It's pathetic how much I complain sometimes. And at the end of the day, when it shouldn't be about me, God makes it about me. Not so I feel like I've done something, but for his kingdom, for his glory, for his greater good.

I wish it wasn't an everyday struggle. I wish sin wasn't such a poisonous addiction. I'm always getting sucked in and cheated thinking that God doesn't see every little thought I think. I'm naive to the point where I have to lose to gain. I have to take two steps back to only take two again. I need a breaking point, I need inspiration, I need accountability. The constants are what's keeping me together as of right now. Faith. "Knowing something when you don't really know something." I think that's sorta how Denzel put it. As of right now I see puzzling reflections in a mirror. One day I will see things clearly, just as God sees me clearly.

I guess that feeling is manifested in different ways through different people. Coltrane called it A Love Supreme. It was his album dedicated to the one most high. Something about that is so pure and just spiritual. I need that.