Today I'm thinking about the future. Not just the future, but the concept of dreams and how we live them out. To be quite honest I've never really had dreams from what I can remember. The only one that I can think of that stuck around for a little while was being a pro soccer player. But I realized along the way that that life track just wasn't for me.
I bring this up just to say that many people find identity within their dreams. Their concepts of their "ideal" life and its circumstances are a goal which propels them to do many things. Things that may even contradict the "dream" itself. For example, many people make music because they have a dream of becoming a star or wish to have their voice, story and feelings shared with the public. That same raw passion translated through their art. But many times these people are forced to sell out or to contradict what their major vision or emotion that they wanted to be shared in the first place. This can occur due to factors like economic issues or public acceptance. So we live this life somewhat blindly in that sense. We don't really know what these dreams will look like once they are manifested within our situation. I feel like sometimes we have these dreams just because of the idea that we're supposed to. That fulfilling these goals will then define us as the "successful" type human being. This may be true, granted I have not "made it" yet so I couldn't tell you whether that's right or wrong, but for me it's very different.
Since I have never really had such a convicting passion or goal in my life I've been sort of just going through the motions. I go to school because that's what people do at my age. I have hobbies that I love but according to the standards of the world, it is very difficult to make a living trying to do the things I enjoy doing. So as of right now I have no drive as far as future career goals and money is concerned. I deal and work hard to keep my options open.
But not too long ago I came to the realization that I will never know what I want. I will never know what I "should" be doing because only at the end of all the work you've put in do you find out if that was right or not. Only when you get the job and start working it do you find out that you just wasted two years of tuition and a summer internship in a hospital to come to the conclusion that you can't handle the pressure. And furthermore, every man and woman on this earth suffers the same fate. Regardless if you're ugly, pretty, famous, nameless, black, white, yellow, rich, poor, happy, sad, etc., we all live and we all die. No one, really, is better than anyone else because you're still going to suffer the same fate as your neighbor. Bill Gates is still going to be either put into the ground or cast into the air just like any other person.
Paralleling this discovery came the discovery of my faith. It's only natural to ask yourself as a senior in high school, "what do I want to do with my life?" The fact of the matter is that I've never been able to answer it. So as I dove into the concept of God and trying to believe in the truths that He loves me and would never leave me, I decided that I should trust in Him because he knows what's best for me. As my mind somewhat tossed and turned with this idea I started to realize that this is the only way I can make sense of how I feel. I'm not supposed to feel comfortable in this skin. The life that I'm living is only temporary, and this life is so fast and unpredictable that my future has just never been clear cut for me. With all these things storming around in my head I became confused and as I went away to a Youth Group retreat I heard a story of how a peer of mine asked God for a sign and he did something miraculous and answered. Granted I "believed" in God but I've never truly seen him work.
So with a new perspective on life and not knowing which way to go, I asked God what I should do. I had already gotten into Pitt and I was wondering if it was the right school for me. So one day as I prayed before school I asked God, "God, if Pitt is the right school for me, can you give me a difinitive answer today?" And it was very interesting because of course I had faith but I didn't expect God to come through and speak so clearly to me. When I came home from school and checked the mail, Pitt had sent me a huge pamphlet, and when I opened up the packaging the header said "World of Possibilities". It was so weird because it took me a second to understand what happened. I was confident but I wasn't 100 percent sure that this would happen. What if I had asked God the day before and I didn't receive that pamphlet the day I asked? What if the mailman dropped it? What if my mom was home and put the mail in her office and I didn't see the pamphlet 'til days later? What if they marked it for the next house over and it took a day or two for them to return it to me?
You see, these things are not coincidental. These signs are miraculous. There really is no other way to describe it. And it's funny because that alone is the only reason why I'm here. To be honest I can't afford to go to school here, I will be head deep in loans when I get out, I have no scholarship money, and there's no guarantees that I'll be able to get a job and get up on my feet once I graduate. The fact of the matter is... This is where I'm supposed to be. And the only reason is because God told me so. I don't know my future and to be honest, the turn of events that led me here probably just made it "harder" in the sense of worldy terms. But at the same time I've grown so much since I've been here. God has provided me with a church, and friends, and has challenged me to seek Him and respond to His calling. And the thing about my life right now is that it's not supposed to be understood. I don't expect everyone to read this and be like, "Wow, I'm gonna convert to Christianity and ask God to reveal my life to me." I don't expect anyone to understand this, because I don't understand it. I'm not even going to go so far as to say that I know this is right because I'm at peace and I'm happy. Because I'm not always at peace and happy here. Many times I struggle and I hurt and being in an environment where I have crazy kids around me that aren't really anything like me sometimes just makes it tougher. But there is something in my heart that keeps me here, that tells me that I'm in the right spot for now. And that's all I have to go off of.
It's interesting because we look at the Bible and see the stories of Moses for example as these people that were obviously divine and so far away from what we are. These people are "holy" and you'd never expect God to choose someone like me or you to carry out the mass exodus of an oppressed people or build an arc to weather the storm of the world. But at the same time these "holy" ones never heard the whole story. They never knew that they'd be recorded in history. All they did was receive a word and listen. And often times this word from God made their life more difficult. Moses had to go home and tell his brother, the Pharaoh of Egypt, to let God's people go. I'm sure Moses would've rather just not confronted that and chilled with his wife in the desert. I'm sure if it was up to Jesus, He would've rather not had to be whipped and beaten and broken and nailed to a cross. But he submitted understanding that this was his purpose.
Now... I don't know what my purpose is, and I don't know where I can find it or how I'm going to get there, or if I'll even understand it in this life. But I know that this experience is part of the track to finding where I belong and what I'm for. And knowing that God is with me and He is right beside me helping me sift through this convoluted world and holding me up with his righteous hand makes this adventure with no known destination bearable. And what I do know is that in the next life I'll be able to see all that He's done through me and understand completely where I fit in his kingdom. Whatever my role may be, I will know that I did what I was supposed to do and I was successful at fulfilling my calling.
"Now wee see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now."
This is what I always come back to. This is why I wake up every morning. This is why I can smile.
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