I feel like someone needs to hear this.

Today I'm thinking about the future. Not just the future, but the concept of dreams and how we live them out. To be quite honest I've never really had dreams from what I can remember. The only one that I can think of that stuck around for a little while was being a pro soccer player. But I realized along the way that that life track just wasn't for me.

I bring this up just to say that many people find identity within their dreams. Their concepts of their "ideal" life and its circumstances are a goal which propels them to do many things. Things that may even contradict the "dream" itself. For example, many people make music because they have a dream of becoming a star or wish to have their voice, story and feelings shared with the public. That same raw passion translated through their art. But many times these people are forced to sell out or to contradict what their major vision or emotion that they wanted to be shared in the first place. This can occur due to factors like economic issues or public acceptance. So we live this life somewhat blindly in that sense. We don't really know what these dreams will look like once they are manifested within our situation. I feel like sometimes we have these dreams just because of the idea that we're supposed to. That fulfilling these goals will then define us as the "successful" type human being. This may be true, granted I have not "made it" yet so I couldn't tell you whether that's right or wrong, but for me it's very different.

Since I have never really had such a convicting passion or goal in my life I've been sort of just going through the motions. I go to school because that's what people do at my age. I have hobbies that I love but according to the standards of the world, it is very difficult to make a living trying to do the things I enjoy doing. So as of right now I have no drive as far as future career goals and money is concerned. I deal and work hard to keep my options open.

But not too long ago I came to the realization that I will never know what I want. I will never know what I "should" be doing because only at the end of all the work you've put in do you find out if that was right or not. Only when you get the job and start working it do you find out that you just wasted two years of tuition and a summer internship in a hospital to come to the conclusion that you can't handle the pressure. And furthermore, every man and woman on this earth suffers the same fate. Regardless if you're ugly, pretty, famous, nameless, black, white, yellow, rich, poor, happy, sad, etc., we all live and we all die. No one, really, is better than anyone else because you're still going to suffer the same fate as your neighbor. Bill Gates is still going to be either put into the ground or cast into the air just like any other person.

Paralleling this discovery came the discovery of my faith. It's only natural to ask yourself as a senior in high school, "what do I want to do with my life?" The fact of the matter is that I've never been able to answer it. So as I dove into the concept of God and trying to believe in the truths that He loves me and would never leave me, I decided that I should trust in Him because he knows what's best for me. As my mind somewhat tossed and turned with this idea I started to realize that this is the only way I can make sense of how I feel. I'm not supposed to feel comfortable in this skin. The life that I'm living is only temporary, and this life is so fast and unpredictable that my future has just never been clear cut for me. With all these things storming around in my head I became confused and as I went away to a Youth Group retreat I heard a story of how a peer of mine asked God for a sign and he did something miraculous and answered. Granted I "believed" in God but I've never truly seen him work.

So with a new perspective on life and not knowing which way to go, I asked God what I should do. I had already gotten into Pitt and I was wondering if it was the right school for me. So one day as I prayed before school I asked God, "God, if Pitt is the right school for me, can you give me a difinitive answer today?" And it was very interesting because of course I had faith but I didn't expect God to come through and speak so clearly to me. When I came home from school and checked the mail, Pitt had sent me a huge pamphlet, and when I opened up the packaging the header said "World of Possibilities". It was so weird because it took me a second to understand what happened. I was confident but I wasn't 100 percent sure that this would happen. What if I had asked God the day before and I didn't receive that pamphlet the day I asked? What if the mailman dropped it? What if my mom was home and put the mail in her office and I didn't see the pamphlet 'til days later? What if they marked it for the next house over and it took a day or two for them to return it to me?

You see, these things are not coincidental. These signs are miraculous. There really is no other way to describe it. And it's funny because that alone is the only reason why I'm here. To be honest I can't afford to go to school here, I will be head deep in loans when I get out, I have no scholarship money, and there's no guarantees that I'll be able to get a job and get up on my feet once I graduate. The fact of the matter is... This is where I'm supposed to be. And the only reason is because God told me so. I don't know my future and to be honest, the turn of events that led me here probably just made it "harder" in the sense of worldy terms. But at the same time I've grown so much since I've been here. God has provided me with a church, and friends, and has challenged me to seek Him and respond to His calling. And the thing about my life right now is that it's not supposed to be understood. I don't expect everyone to read this and be like, "Wow, I'm gonna convert to Christianity and ask God to reveal my life to me." I don't expect anyone to understand this, because I don't understand it. I'm not even going to go so far as to say that I know this is right because I'm at peace and I'm happy. Because I'm not always at peace and happy here. Many times I struggle and I hurt and being in an environment where I have crazy kids around me that aren't really anything like me sometimes just makes it tougher. But there is something in my heart that keeps me here, that tells me that I'm in the right spot for now. And that's all I have to go off of.

It's interesting because we look at the Bible and see the stories of Moses for example as these people that were obviously divine and so far away from what we are. These people are "holy" and you'd never expect God to choose someone like me or you to carry out the mass exodus of an oppressed people or build an arc to weather the storm of the world. But at the same time these "holy" ones never heard the whole story. They never knew that they'd be recorded in history. All they did was receive a word and listen. And often times this word from God made their life more difficult. Moses had to go home and tell his brother, the Pharaoh of Egypt, to let God's people go. I'm sure Moses would've rather just not confronted that and chilled with his wife in the desert. I'm sure if it was up to Jesus, He would've rather not had to be whipped and beaten and broken and nailed to a cross. But he submitted understanding that this was his purpose.

Now... I don't know what my purpose is, and I don't know where I can find it or how I'm going to get there, or if I'll even understand it in this life. But I know that this experience is part of the track to finding where I belong and what I'm for. And knowing that God is with me and He is right beside me helping me sift through this convoluted world and holding me up with his righteous hand makes this adventure with no known destination bearable. And what I do know is that in the next life I'll be able to see all that He's done through me and understand completely where I fit in his kingdom. Whatever my role may be, I will know that I did what I was supposed to do and I was successful at fulfilling my calling.

"Now wee see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now."

This is what I always come back to. This is why I wake up every morning. This is why I can smile.

In this life, timing is everything.

This song hit me today.

You

As a fairly creative kid please understand the fact that I do appreciate the art of life. The interaction, the craft behind words and self expression etc. But there is much to be said about being who you are when the last cock crows. There comes a point where all that talk and all your skills go out the window. Where you are judged by your actions because actions speak louder than words. As much as we try to talk and defend our position, it is found out to be fruitless. We are seen for the very clear and at times simply defined beings that we are to the core. Whatever that may be, understand that that is what matters. We have the ability to create whoever that person is, but at times it is very hard to alter who that is. But what needs to be understood is that person is appreciated by some people but isn't compatible for everyone. And there comes a day where you must realize that you as a person will not be able to satisfy everyone. As much as you want to say the right things and to be soon within the "good" group of people in everyone's mind, you won't be. I feel like if you somehow have a mass group of people that do "like" you than I believe that you don't really have a stand for anything, because if you ever take a strong position, especially in a moral sense then you will have opposition.

This level of understanding is very interesting to me, because I acknowledge my opposition with my life and I am no longer afraid of being judged by my claims. I'm no longer afraid of not being liked because I don't expect everyone to understand who I am or why I make the decisions I do. And the best part is I'm okay with that. It took me a very long time to be okay with being out of the middle of everything and just being me. But learning how to deal with myself and taking the time to understand what's really important to me has been the best time I've spent. I have a true identity that I like and to me that's priceless.

I'm in love?



I'm intrigued by how people make this thing talk. Harmonica is such a stress reliever. It's blues, it's country, it's people. It's simple. I like stuff like that. It's emotion translated. I like it.

"We believe that the death of Christ is just that point in history at which something absolutely unimaginable from outside shows through into our own world. And if we cannot picture even the atoms of which our own world is built, of course we are not going to be able to picture this. Indeed, if we found that we could fully understand it, that very fact would show it was not what it professes to be-- the inconceivable, the uncreated, the thing from beyond nature, striking down into nature like lighting."

-C.S. Lewis

That man sure could paint pictures with words while making extremely difficult concepts understandable and tangible to lesser minds like myself.

1.21.11

Today was a nothing day. Probably the best nothing day I've had in awhile. I had a lot of time to focus, to think, and to evaluate. I took a quality nap. I took pictures for the first time in awhile and I edited them. Today's one of the first days in awhile where I haven't felt dissapointed in myself or lacking of anything. I don't really know how to describe that feeling, but I think the closest thing it feels like is safety. Like you're in your jams and your warmest blanket with the people closest to you. But you're actually by yourself. Usually I'm always feeling like I need to be doing things or hanging out with people or making plans to feel satisfied or happy. Today I didn't really do any of that. I didn't hang out with anyone. I spoke more words in class today than I did outside of class I think. But this is the best I've felt in a long time. It's funny how I'm happy when I don't try to be. When I'm not worrying and I'm giving myself quiet so God can speak to me. When I'm alone and focused on what's right. Nothing feels better than that.

I don't expect anyone to really get this. It doesn't really make sense at all. I read on Heather's blog not too long ago where she had a quote that said, "Something is wrong when our lives make sense to unbelievers." It's pretty funny cause my life doesn't even make sense to me most times. But that in itself is beautiful. Maybe this is what it feels like to live a more abandoned life for God? It's pretty exciting although it doesn't sound that way. Eff... I'm happy.

"I the Lord search the heart and examine the mind, to reward a man according to his conduct, according to what his deeds deserve."

-Jeremiah 17:10

Keep The Peaceahhhhh

Shake The Dust

Watch this.

Free Willy

In case you are unaware, Free Willy is a movie that was released in 1993 about a young boy named Jesse and his friendship with an orca whale named Willy. This movie is my favorite movie of all time, and it holds great significance to me.

I always find it surprising to me when I've found my feelings invested in something. I'm not a super touchy feely guy when it comes to a lot of stuff but I am very passionate about relationships. Free Willy was the first movie I ever fell in love with. I remember being like 3 or 4 years old and just watching it over and over and over again. My Nana would literally have to turn it off the TV and put me down for a nap so she could watch her soaps. It's weird because it's the memory I always come back to. I remember that harmonica that Jesse played, and the indian man, and Willy jumping over him at the end on the rocks, and Michael Jackson's song. The tunes are engraned within my heart and when I hear the words or I hear the theme I immediately get emotional. I think Free Willy is the greatest symbol for my childhood. Everything about the movie still speaks to me. I can identify with feeling alone and being lost and not understanding things and just wanting a friend. I can still feel all those emotions. And it's probably been about 10 years since I've watched the film and today I watched it for the first time and I almost cried. The way our hearts store hope is incredible. The way we can relate to these very individual encounters that occur during childhood is pretty crazy. The fact that I can be more excited about a movie that was made almost 20 years ago that I've seen countless times than the newest releases says a lot about what we hold sacred to our hearts.

Anyways enough of the sappy stuff, I just wish I had a friend like that. Someone outside of the whole system, that just got me. I think that unusual bond that made me believe that anything is possible is what really got me attached.

"Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit. Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in you heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."

-Ephesians 5:18-21

Just wanna say that technology rocks. The fact that I can go on the internet and watch the video of the sermon I missed last Sunday is incredible. There are so many opportunities for me to learn and I'm just really thankful for that today. I've had somewhat of a rough week and God has given me a window of peace. He's settled my mind and my heart for now and I'm just really grateful for that.

Have a good day kids.

Sometimes I feel like I've become a little too independent. Maybe I'm a realist? I dunno. Is it bad that I expect random stuff to happen just so I can remember that I choose my destiny? That all I need is God, and that He's with me? I'm stronger than I expect myself to be. I got a lot to be thankful for also. Things are good. "Gooder" than I give God credit for.

Thank You.

I'm gonna try to focus on the greater things now. Lift me up this week, guide me so that I may be a positive asset to your plan, your vision.

"Do not show partiality in judging; hear both small and great alike. Do not be afraid of any man, for judgement belongs to God."

Dueteronomy 1:17

It's good to be back.

"Dysfunction results. Instead of individualism meaning thinking for oneself and seeking one’s own truth and sense of morality, individualism becomes wearing freaky clothing, having funny hair, and garnering attention via infantile vulgarity no matter if it is for fame or infamy. These superficial methods are all that are still legal within the system. The true human spirit, however, is suppressed."

Just a little blurb from the article Tommy Pancho posted about the horrors of public education. Just some food for thought.

I find it so interesting when people got that gene where people just magnetize to them. Literally the person can stomp all over your face, lie to you, and piss you off yet you can't just leave them alone. People try to salvage whatever they can out of that dump that they just won't let be a dump.

Maybe I've never experienced that because I don't lead people on very well? Or because I'm not in the middle of things in the first place? I don't understand. It'd be nice every once in awhile to get checked up on though. That's not too much to ask for right?

"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: 'I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept His claim to be God.' That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic- on a level with the man who says he is a poached egg- or else he would be the Devil of Hell."

-C.S. Lewis

Vermont

So this past weekend I went to Vermont to shred the gnar with coolstreak. On a scale of 1-10 I'd say the trip was a solid 6 maybe a 7. The mountain was sick, just not enough time to ride combined with a hotel far away, multiplied by 12 hour bus rides with potheads brought the score down a little bit. But it's funny because I learned a lot about myself on this trip. Yes, things that I already knew, but I realized the strength I had inside and how positive and negative that can be.

I'm not gonna lie, these past couple weeks I've been away from God. It's tough because you feel like you're free and you feel like your mind is finally "open" to new things and your head is starting to convince you that you've been missing out and I should be more relaxed about college and this is the only time in my life where I'll get to explore and I don't want to wake up one day wishing I did all this stuff that I never did and all that BS. At the end of the day it's garbage. I'm sorry if I'm offending someone but I think it's a bunch of trash. The hardest thing to do in the morning is to wake up and like who you are every single day. To wake up and be cool with the way you look, the things you represent, the way you talk, the friends you chill with, the road your walking on, the life you're leading etc. is very difficult. But I've come to realize that it's very easy for me to trick myself into starting to believe that I'm alright in the condition I'm in. That I'm satisfied just being whatever the name Egey entails. That it's fine that I made it this far and now it's time to go do a bunch of other stuff that really won't make a difference in my life. Those thoughts are a gateway drug.

In my sociology class we were talking about values and the professor said your values usually are what you'd want people to say of you at your funeral. Words like hardworking and honest came up. Then the professor asked if you died today would people really think that about you. And to be honest that's real life. We live moment to moment and the legacy we leave behind is all we have. No one's gonna cared how many coc lines you snorted, how many shots of tequila you drank, or how many grams of weed you smoked yesterday. All that stuff is temporary. Everything is temporary. So why if all we have is today are we going to waste these moments on things that are detrimental to us?

It was so weird because once I was sitting on that bus smelling the weed coming out of that restroom, I realized that nothing about this is what I want. Nothing about this do I feel like I'm missing out on. I don't want to find some sloppy girl at a party that'll like me in the dark while she's under the influence. I don't want to have to talk myself up to everyone and justify why I'm the way I am. Why do I need to justify to anyone what makes me happy and what makes me me? God judges me. That's it. I think that's my biggest realization about becoming an adult. I don't have to answer to anyone but myself and God. I'm tired of trying to be something just so I can go and tell other people that aren't better than me that I'm something. There are things out there so pure and so real. Shredding to me is one of those things. Just cruising through the mountains listening to music. It's so everything all at once, but yet you're not focusing on life at all. That's what gives me joy and I'm so glad God has blessed me with the opportunity to feel that.

Today I'm just thankful. I'm thankful for God and his sacrifice. I'm thankful for the fact that he's made me strong and hungry. He's sparked my heart and in his own mysterious ways he keeps me on track. Without him I don't think I'd be very happy at all. Without him I don't think I'd be much help at all. All I wanna do is help. I just want to see those around me happy, like I'm happy. That's the best thing this world has to offer.

North

I don't know how to explain me anymore. Which I guess is weird, but I don't really know what to do about it. Things have gotten overly complicated I guess. This feeling of just being and not living is scary. Although I know things I really don't KNOW a lot of things that are important I guess. In short my direction, my vision, my mind is all jacked up. I don't remember the last time I've really been so confused about nothing.

I can't conquer myself. I fall into a slump. I can't keep my own promises. I'm lazy. I don't put work into a lot of things. Which I find to be very unsurprising, but at the same time I make it. God pulls me through. And I'm far from perfect, but I need to understand that none of this was me. I can't control what people put on me and what makes me feel the way I do, but God influences and controls what means something to me. Which is a weird discovery. I never understood why I always fell back to music and art and expression and solitude. The simple fact is that's how God programmed me. I've spent the last 3 hours looking at DJ videos on youtube. God is the reason why I can do that and marvel at the creativity and originality of such an isolated trade. I forget how simple it is. I blind myself daily. And it's troubling.

I start to program myself to see all the darkness and all the inconveniences of my first world, middle to upper class lifestyle. It's pathetic how much I complain sometimes. And at the end of the day, when it shouldn't be about me, God makes it about me. Not so I feel like I've done something, but for his kingdom, for his glory, for his greater good.

I wish it wasn't an everyday struggle. I wish sin wasn't such a poisonous addiction. I'm always getting sucked in and cheated thinking that God doesn't see every little thought I think. I'm naive to the point where I have to lose to gain. I have to take two steps back to only take two again. I need a breaking point, I need inspiration, I need accountability. The constants are what's keeping me together as of right now. Faith. "Knowing something when you don't really know something." I think that's sorta how Denzel put it. As of right now I see puzzling reflections in a mirror. One day I will see things clearly, just as God sees me clearly.

I guess that feeling is manifested in different ways through different people. Coltrane called it A Love Supreme. It was his album dedicated to the one most high. Something about that is so pure and just spiritual. I need that.

Some bonafied lovin' is way overdue.

new wax

Can't wait to play this one out

Brick Squad

I really really like college. I don't know what I'm gonna do after school or how I'm gonna pay for it but I know this is where I belong. I think knowing things in your heart should still count for something these days. There's a lot of focus on money and safety and security, but I think it's so true that the most beautiful and pure things occur outside of that realm of comfort. And this is just one of those situations where I know this is what I want and where I should be. Nothing beats 2AM recording sessions with 8 people stacked up in a single.

Hip Hop

As far as I'm concerned... Hip Hop is dead. But every once in awhile I hear it resurrected in a banger.



*excuse the language*

"Take your girl have her back
we don't want her round my team
she's a slut she's a freak
you don't know cause she's discrete"

Everyone has a beast mode, Bobby Ray's is just vicious.

ps. cred to Coolstreak for leaking this first

Today I find it liberating that I know what I want and I'm willing to wait for it. She's gotta love Him more than I do.

Parties must have been super chill back then. I miss the days before grinding.

Jim-bo

"Some people are just so smart and can get a 34 on their ACT and see that there’s still room for improvement, instead of just “settling.” Some people can sing their ABCs and legitimately bring me to tears. Some people could be having an “off” day on stage, and still truly frighten me with a character they’re playing. Some people know exactly what they’re doing in life. Even if they’re naive and ignorant of what their future truly holds, that’s got to be really assuring. Some people can really make a guitar cry with a heartbreaking solo. Some people understand the craft of music composition like few others. Some people are just so good! Some people could get any girl at the drop of a hat but still have the insight to prioritize more important things in life above that. Some people just know things. Some people just get it.

But I don’t mind anymore. I’m not jealous, I’m not envious. Real maturity for me has come through forgetting others at times and focusing on honing my own God-given talents. I still emulate others - more than anyone knows - but I know I’m good enough. God still loves me. He doesn’t mind when I fall short; I will always be good enough for him. That is a beautiful thing, and that is what truly keeps me going. Regardless of whether you share my beliefs or not, one must admit that that feeling of sheer adequacy must be incredibly comforting at times. And you know what? It is. It really is. This year is gonna be incredibly itself. I like where I am, but I’m not settling. I’m still going to grow. I’m going to do something this year. That’s my new year’s resolution. I’m not even sure what that exactly is yet, but I’ll know when it comes.

And I will be ready."


Yes. This whole thing was worth quoting. Jimmy, you're right on, and to be honest you have a great head on your shoulders kid. You're gonna do great things.

This is what we have to look forward to in 2011. There's hope for the future.

There's just too much soul in this nappy hair and sweaty face

Pee Wee

I lived today. When I live I come back to the roots of what my life should be. In all honesty it should be about the journey right? That's all we have to hold on to.

I realized today that the biggest thing I respect in a friend is the ability to do what you say you'll do. Usually this comes up when that whole akward situation of bumping into someone you know in public happens and they're like, "aww we should catch up, i miss you". That's the tell tale sign of the fact that what they say will never happen. When this happens my response is usually the same, something consisting of, "I'm free all the time, just gimme a call when you wanna do something and we'll figure it out." Then they never call. And that's it.

Maybe I'm being a little selfish here, but I'm done missing people. I'm done trying, I'm done asking. Friendship shouldn't be pulling teeth. If you're too busy to chill then that's fine, but you don't have to lie to me. It's not going to hurt my feelings, it's reality. And to be honest, I know a nice group of people that enjoy having me around and I'm so blessed to have them. I'm better off without those people that really don't care about me.

I went to lunch today with a friend I haven't really talked to in a couple months. We never went to high school, we never sat down and talked for more than 5 minutes. This guy's a busy man. Yet literally at 10 last night he asked if we were gonna chill before I left, I said I leave tuesday but we should get something together before then if you're free, he said yea sure, I said you down for tomorrow, he said yea. And today we met up and had lunch. It wasn't anything intense, but I appreciated his word. He drove out to my side of town just to eat. That in itself was excellent. Not saying that I expect less, but maybe I should expect more from other people. It's not tough to set aside an hour or two of your day for someone. It wasn't even the conversation which made my day, but just the fact that I got to chill with him one on one and he went out of his way to make it out here was nice. That's what friends do. Friends listen, they ask questions, they see how you're doing, they sacrifice, they love you. I needed that today. I needed hope, and that little bit of joy put me in a better mood for the rest of the day. I need the inspiration and the energy. Just seeing Kaitlyn learning how to play guitar made me wanna retry learning how to play harmonica. If I get that down then I think It'd be really fun to play some music with all these guitar playing friends. I love these people.

I think this past year I've realized in general that I really don't need that much. I don't need an excess of anything, because it always just seems to lead to waste. I have wonderful friends at home that I've been lucky enough to see a bunch of times, and i don't really feel like I've missed out on anything. It feels good to be loved for the right reasons.

:)