what happened?

I'm tired tonight so maybe that has something to do with this.

At the moment I'm in one of those moods where just everything seems to get on my nerves. And it's not because things aren't how I want them, it's because people just don't seem to understand the way I think. People don't understand why certain jazz songs with no words bring tears to my eyes. They don't understand how liberating it is to sing with your eyes closed. They can't see that there's no good that comes from saying curse words. They don't see why I don't like drinking, why I don't like screaming in the halls and telling the same old stories.

Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe people haven't been fortunate enough to have been raised like I was. Maybe they don't have strong feelings about life. Maybe they're just alright with how things are.

I just can't see where the change happened. Where beautiful girls acquired dirty mouths. Where guys figured out it was "cool" to smash pizza into the carpet floor and talk about how many girls they got with. Maybe I just don't have fun, or maybe I'm lame or boring. Maybe I missed the memo where in college you can do anything you want, so i'll just punch a whole in the cieling since I was never able to do that at home.

Where did the time go. People just seem undesireable at this stage of life right now. I find myself not wanting more friends, not wanting to meet new people. I know I judge too much, but it's tough not to when I find out that so many people are the same. I'm learning that it really takes stamina to run this race. I've learned that I can't live with people I don't know. I've learned that I'm extremely OCD about certain things being clean, like made up beds. I've learned that I can't stand living with people that just leave trash on the floor, or have dirty trash cans with no bags. I can't stand getting woken up because my space is literally someone else's space.

And despite all these complaints, I've learned that it's not personal. I just want to be with those I love, and those that love Him. It's tough living with someone that I can't look to for advice, I can't talk to about friends, relationships, God, etc. He just doesn't really know about it here. It's different. And that's cool. It's just frustrating sometimes. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone that'll listen and accept what I think, the way I say things, the way my voice quakes and cracks when I sing. I feel like those people are few and far between. And they change over time.

I guess that's why the pictures mean so much to me. I can literally look and remember how things used to be. They weren't super different, but things definitely have changed. And the sad thing is that it's just a cycle. The same seniors from this year will be the girls I see next year passing out and throwing up in guest bathrooms. It's just an ugly cycle. People are just so blind.

I feel like I've lost hope. Not for myself, but just for this whole college social life. Who decided that alcohol was going to be the main extracurricular and why is it mandatory on most university campuses? Why is that? Like who said that this is how it should be and got everyone to catch on? I don't get it.

Anyways, I'm going to bed.

I just want to be alone, and close my eyes to see something more beautiful than what I see when they're open.