God Love

How He Loves : A Song Story from john mark mcmillan on Vimeo.

It's been soo long since my mind has been right. It hasn't even been a year yet and my faith suffers. And I've realized that I can't sit here and keep tallying these transgressions up like a math test or something. You don't get a score when you come out at the end of life. There is no great truth that this world is meant to teach us. "We were meant to live for so much more, and we lost ourselves," I've lost myself to the pressure. And sometimes I get so lost that I can't feel anymore. You know how it is, like you're in a room with a bunch of people and all you can here is your thoughts. All you can see is your own hurt radiated through the eyes of others. And it affects the way you live, it puts a shade on your light. But God loves us through that. God realizes that this struggle isn't easy. He understands me even though I can't allow myself to understand me. I forget that every storm, every victory, every failure, every situation, every struggle, every pain, and every thing... is for HIS glory. He's constantly molding us and changing our shape, even when it seems like he's put us on the shelf. That's so gnarly.

And as stupid as I am, as black and white as I try to make it, I forget about the Love. I forget about the blood and the empty tomb. That's all there is to this. He was pierced for my transgressions, he was led silently to slaughter like a lamb led to shearers, the world didn't know what or who he was, but his glory STILL remains forever and ever. That's it. I forget there's good news. I'm so rich I can't see through the fog in my window to see the sun shining directly upon my life. God blesses me still, every single day with health and life. Today, I'm so thankful. I should be thankful everyday but I'm not. I need to remember what's important and that is his love. It endures, it never fails, it doesn't count wrongs, it doesn't boast. It's beautiful and it lasts.

Praise be to God, my God, who has overcome the grave.

I'm gonna try to not act all reminiscent, but I really do miss the days when 90 percent of the pictures uploaded on facebook weren't from parties with red cups. So in honor of my nostalgic mood, here's some pictars from the past, cause they were some good times.

Nights like tonight re-establish my hope in the human race. Actually not even the human race, just the females. Tonight, I've received confirmation that beautiful,smart, and classy ladies do exist at this age.

:)

weakkkkk

"These canals, it seems
They all go in circles
Places look the same,
And we're the only difference"

These words from one of my favorite artists really pins the tail on the donkey regarding my feelings right now. Visiting home is refreshing at times, but at other times it just reminds you of why you left. I love my family more than anything in the world. I love my friends, but I've realized that I don't love or miss the way high school used to be. It's never good being on the outside, but I really think it's even worse being on the outside while wanting to be on the outside. Never feeling the urge to speak up. Not really wanting to talk about my life. I've realized I got a really good thing going. I got 3 awesome guys up at school. I'll never disrespect The Squad ever. Having the privilege of getting to know these young men has changed the way I see my "friends". Brotherhood is so real, real friends are so beautiful. People that are willing to tell you the truth should be cherished. And I've realized coming back home that I hold that part of me back here. I suppress my actions and just observe and wait, to only find out that nothing's really changed besides me. I never did fit the mold. I just wasn't cut out for this stuff I guess. Or maybe I'm just tired of it?

Forgive Me

Dear God,

I'm sorry. To be honest I don't know what else to say. Nothing will ever change what happened to your son. Nothing will ever make right the wrongs that have been done. I'm sorry for not being the best me I can be for you. I'm sorry for not giving the way I should, for not caring the way I should, for not loving my neighbors. God I'm just sorry for being the one that whipped you, and spit on you, and put you up on that cross. I'm sorry for laughing at you and scorning you for the times when I didn't know how things were going to go. God I'm sorry for trying to take control, for questioning your ability to do great things. God I'm just sorry for still not understanding you, for not seeking you, for ignoring you. God I just don't get myself, and I just wish that didn't come in the way of accepting what you've done for me. Today as I sit here in front of a computer screen, I watch your son get beaten and whipped and mocked at. I watch my king of kings, my author and finisher of my faith, my God, get crucified. You walked alone, when no one else could, for me. Why did you do that? I'm in awe of the fact that you'd do that for me. I complain and I doubt and I cheat and I lie. Why would you ever do that for someone like me? It just hurts my soul to know that the way you've made me rich God, it hurts me to sit here in this room with food and shelter and clothing and money and stuff God. You put that all down and you received torture God. You laid down your life God for me. Why can't I give you mine in return Lord? Why can't I find it in myself to put my hands up and give you praise all hours of the day? Why can't I give a single shred of that kindness out to others Lord?

God I will never be able to fathom your love for me. I just won't, and I'm sorry I don't thank you every single second of my time on this earth for what you've done, but I just want you to know that I recognize your grace and I'm so sorry for straying God. I wish I could take back all the things I've ever done to displease you but I can't. But I want you to know that I'm gonna do better God, I'm gonna try harder, because who you are is enough. I want to do what you want me to do. I want to be what you want me to be. I want to give the way you gave. I want to smile the way you smiled. I want to see the way you see God, because you saw something greater in me. You saw something worth dying for that I can't see in myself God. And I don't know many things on this earth, but I know you. I know your heart for me, and I know my heart for you. God today and forevermore I want to and will do my best to honor you and give you praise. I pray that you'll give me the strength to overcome temptation, and I pray you will open up my eyes to see you in everything God. For you are life. Please allow me to be patient and to accept your children. I pray that you'll give me wisdom and allow me to grow so that I'll be able to humble myself before you and trust in you with selfless faith Lord. Allow me to feel fulfilled and know that your grace is enough God. More than anything Lord, I pray that I'll be attracted to your light and your will more than anything on this earth Lord. Please help me keep my eyes on the heavens God. Allow me to pour out your love upon other God. I'm sorry and I'm broken, but I know I was made for more God. Lift me up on the wings of eagles today Lord.
I give you all the honor and all the glory, because you alone are worthy. Thank you for your sacrifice, your love, and your grace.

Your Son,
Mervyn Egerton LeRoy Levy III

I wish my mind wasn't so messed up.

I feel a lot of pressure. And I don't know where it's coming from. I've come to a point where I can't write here because I just have nothing to say. I'm just overwhelmed with so many things that just don't seem like they stick around. I feel like I've lost the capacity to be moved. This probably sounds extremely sad but that's the only way to describe the feeling. I've just lost interest... maybe not interest but just hope? Things just don't seem worth chasing when I look ahead.

Miles Davis is the only thing that's making sense to me. Everything about the way he plays is just hopeful. It's sooo sophisticated, and delicate, and simple, and put together. I feel like if a trumpet ever cried it would sound like Miles. He says so much with so little. He knew himself, he knew that through that trumpet he could speak. And it's just so beautiful. It makes my heart just rip.

And then you have people like Kanye West going on television bantering about how annoyed he is with the way everyone thinks about him, and how the system isn't giving justice where it's due, and how he works so hard to break social norms and enlighten people to music and art and expression without bounderies yada yada yada. You know what Kanye... YOU FREAKING SUCK!!! I'm sick of music, the very source of so many peoples' freaking sanity and safety, being so critical. If you're all about the freaking music and you don't care what people say, then just do it. Get on with your freaking life and stop worrying about justice being served. The world has never appreciated beauty. The world has never taken those who labor and those who bleed behind closed doors into consideration. The world murdered the only perfectly king and just being that ever lived. The world doesn't care who spent the most money on the video, who tried the hardest, who's the most talented, or who the better person is. The world takes whatever it can get, and manifests it into money and then sucks the beauty out of anything pure and real so they can remake it and market it and transform it into more money. So if you're trying to be different then accept the fact that the majority of people won't be waiting there to wipe your butt when you realize that the VMA's pooped on your record by not picking it as the #1 video of the fracking year.

Back to Miles. This man literally quit Juilliard a year in to chase his dreams. To play His music. He spent half a year chasing one man so he could play his trumpet with him. Miles Davis would be on stage and just close his eyes during his solo. He wouldn't banter with the crowd, he wouldn't tell a bunch of jokes, he'd even turn his back at times from the crowd and play. Why? Because he didn't care about what they thought, he didn't care if people liked it, he didn't care if people judged it. Everything that came out of his trumpet was pure emotion. Passion flowed through him and he just poured it out on the world. He didn't need to open his mouth and speak, and he didn't need to justify it. That's so beautiful.

I just wish I could feel that. Just live and share the passion I have for life with other people. I wish I could talk to people and try to get to know them without worrying about being "weird", I wish I could just not care when people don't understand me and just keep playing my song. I wish I could go on when I don't get any applause. I wish I had the ability to let my heart speak. In this age, life is so consumed with being accepted. And I just find myself trapped. You're trying so hard to just be you and you can't let yourself.

Anyways, I'm just head sick. Jazz is all I need right now. I just need something free, something real. I need some consistancy. I don't think I'll be writing here for a couple of weeks 'til I figure myself out. I just feel stupid right now.

#14

my earliest memory:

I think my earliest memory was my 3rd or 4th birthday party. I remember it was at Bowl America and I wanted an umbrella really bad and I got this yellow hercules umbrella. So the rest of the time I went to the bus stop and it rained I could look official.