2011

It's 10:42 and I'm in my room by myself. Listening to Clifford Brown. And I'm okay.

On the way home I was thinking to myself how interesting it is the way people bring in the new year and how it reflects their personalities. Some like to go big and hit the city and dress up, some like to have small get togethers, some like to have family nights, some like to drink and get sloppy, etc. While this came to my head I thought about how mine is. I was out with some good friends earlier, and now I'm alone. Granted my parents are upstairs watching a movie but essentially I'm on my own. And it's interesting that I think 'til I'm married this is how my mental state is going to be about the new year. I'm a little hypocritical about my feelings towards this holiday because I feel like nothing really changes, but people use the new year as an excuse to change their lives. I think it's sorta stupid but this year I'm somewhat buying into the idea and I'm gonna try to challenge myself to be better. I wanna make this a year that's less about me and more about Him. More about everyone else. I really don't need anything. I already have too much. I want to give more and be on better terms with myself and be better towards others. That's what will make me the most happy. Less about money and more about loving. Sometimes I wish I could be alone for a couple days just so I could figure me out without all the distractions. I want to be humble and grateful again.

Anyhow, I hope everyone that's out or in tonight is safe. I hope someone out there takes this time to just appreciate who and what they have. I hope someone looks at their family of their friends and realizes how blessed they are. I hope someone is looking to the future with hope and confidence that this year all their wildest dreams come true. All I know is that I need Jesus more than ever. And it takes work, but I want to be open to receive his favor this year.

Keep The Peace

If I could shred for the rest of my life, I'd die a happy man.

The Game

I can't do it. Why should I get criticized on the way I decide to live my life? And just because I don't do things like everyone else, I'm considered a cheapskate, an asshole, and in need of redemption. I don't freaking understand why people believe that if you don't act a certain way and do certain things and buy certain stuff that people won't like you. And if as the male in the situation I don't do something that I guess is "expected", which I really don't think is at this stage in the game then someone can't still see me for me. I don't get that. I don't like being labeled, even by family.

I get it... it's nice and I guess "right" to do certain things and money isn't everything but I feel like at this age my peers and I are mature enough to see past the BS and just be real right? Maybe I'm asking for too much? Maybe I missed the sign.

To be honest I just suck at this. I'm not good at impressing people, I'm not good at putting on fronts face to face, and I'm just not down with buying people's hearts.

And this is probably me just being ignorant cause I'm sure that's how it is for everybody else. Maybe I need to learn the hard way.

The Town

Isn't it crazy how life is? The fact that we come from two cells that meet together and they hold on to each other and they grow together and become this beautiful unified being. Then that being is born into a foreign world and grows and changes and becomes an individual. An individual that seeks to be united once again with another being so they can grow and become unified and do the same process over and over. And during this whole subplot there's this main plot where these individuals are expected to "live" and experience certain things and make choices that are expected to matter. These individuals make plans and "acquire and "spend" paper to supposedly obtain the rights to certain materials which are expected to enhance their life. But really at the end of the day these things don't exactly matter. All that sounds pretty nuts to me.

Yet we all live this life that if one that is from out of this world read it in a story, it would sound like an adventure. If I heard that one would have to start as a cell and go through all this metamorphosis and learn how to coexist in a foreign world it'd be pretty gnarly. As humans we believe in this thing called love. We believe in happy endings. We believe in adventures and luck and chance and all these great things, but I find it hard to live the adventure you know? Like do any of you guys find that? You see the movies and read the books and by default this life is supposed to be so fulfilling and yet it doesn't feel that way. This somewhat hit me today... for the millionth time.

Sometimes I have to step back and look at the big picture. And you can't help but ask yourself what good living to gain more knowledge, and then make money, and then get married, and then have kids, and then lahh dee dahh dahh when there's no guarantees. There's no guarantees that when I follow my beautiful plan that I've had paved out since I was 7 (not true but for some yes) that the end product will be happiness. That's all we really want right? To be happy or satisfied or something of that nature. So then this comes down to what really makes you happy. And when I think about what really makes me happy, it's funny how those things always take the back seat. Even if they're things that are by definition honerable, like volunteering or teaching or talking to kids etc. It always seems that "living" is comprised of a bunch of other things that everyone seems to buy into, which propels this world to go through cycles by which it rebuilds and destroys itself by the hands of man. Why is that?

I know the answer. But it doesn't make it anymore of a mystery. The root of all evil is pride. If you disagree with me feel free to debate me. But I'm still shocked about it all. Why does life feel so meaningless sometimes. Like we're forced to go through this whole procedure so we're spit out of the machine of america as an "american", defined by certain credentials. Why is that pull there? And who put it there? I find a lot of times when I read the stories and watch the movies that I find myself just wanting love and affection. Respect can be earned by your peers depending on the way you act but love and affection doesn't exactly work the same. No matter what I do, I might not be in a position to receive love and affection from anyone. And it's sad because I believe in love and the idea that there's one woman out there for me, but I could literally be falling for other ones that won't be able to give me what I'm looking for, and I might be the guy that isn't right that won't be able to give them what they're looking for. And it's something we can't predict, we can't control, we can't orchestrate. It just happens.

Life is so much of that. It's so much of just jumping and praying. We wake up and there's no promise that I'll get in that car and return home. There's no clause saying that Egey can not die on a sunny day while riding a longboard with a helmet on. Life encompasses all that we believe, multiplied by emotions, and divided by our perspective on reality. As we grow and embark on whatever adventure that we sign up for, we realize that things NEVER go the way they're planned. I don't remember the last time I wasn't surprised by life. And I know this whole thought process went absolutely nowhere and probably elightened a total of 1 mind, but isn't that what this is all about. If not then what is this all for. If 1 person wasn't willing to love me and lay down their pride for me, then wouldn't we all just be robots? Would there be any good in this world if not for the individual? If not for faith in something that's good and true?

Today as I sit here wishing that I had a friend to just chat the night away with, I want everyone to remember that this life is fragile, unpredictable, and unfair. We live day to day and we need to remember what it feels like to love. We need to understand that people NEED us. Someone out there needs YOU. Whether you believe it or not it's true. Wake up everyday for that reason. Don't wake up for the money, don't wake up for the fame, don't wake up for the posessions, don't wake up for anything else. Get up and sweat and bleed and cry for eachother. Cause without eachother we have nothing. And nothing ain't a whole lot of something, especially when you're alone.

Keep The Peace

Easy A

So I watched Easy A today and I must admit it exceeded all of my expectations. I'm not gonna say it's the best movie I've ever seen but I thought it was interesting enough to point out some things.

#1. Gossip ain't good. I guess that's pretty self-explanatory but I forget it all the time and regardless of whether it's self-preserving or harming, it just isn't a good thing. It was interesting to look at it from an outsider view. Usually as teens we're so caught up in it that we can't really see how dumb and destructive it is. Just watching the movie and seeing what was happening was really eye opening. I know it's hollywood and somewhat overdramatized but that the same time I could easily see something like that happening in real life. And that's what's sad.

#2. Don't mock God. I get it... it's a movie... there were some Jesus freaks. But I think it was a little much when that became such a pivotal part of the movie. Even though Amanda Bynes was playing the uptight, overly sanctified God lover, I don't like how the movie casted it as an attribute that was so stupid and unlikeable. I feel like they should have used something else, maybe something not concerning God. I don't know exactly but it just didn't settle with me. Being excited over Jesus isn't a bad thing. To be honest, seeing youth my age excited about Jesus is what changed my life. The light by which they portrayed it just made it look stupid. Not saying that those people out there don't exist, but at the same time I just thought it was a little much.

Those two things really caught my eye. I really liked how it was different from the average teen movie though. It reminds me of something like Mean Girls. I feel like I could definitely just watch that randomly on a limb, know the whole storyline, and still find it funny and applicable five years down the road in certain areas. And nothing ever beats a happy ending.

Merry Christmas!!

Expect a post about Christmas to be showing up sometime today or tomorrow.

The Prince of Egypt

I always loved the film, but I appreciate it so much more now. Once you choose to believe, things take such a greater meaning in life. Watching that movie gave me goosebumps all over. Especially during the burning bush part and when Moses was parting the Red Sea. The fact that God would choose such an undeserving man to deliver his people is just vicious. He's always on another level. Way past anyone's understanding. Sometimes when I just think about how awesome he is I get lost in his awesomeness. So blessed to be loved by such a God.

Today was awesome. Played cards with my Nana and enjoyed some quality family time. I like life like this. Nice and quiet. It's nice feeling the contrast between this and college. The kids at school are just so crazy at times, and then I come home and wonder why. Why do so many people get away from home and act like that? What is everyone trying to prove? Anyways I love this season. So happy to be home and seeing everyone, got an early season shred in which was good, and I just can't wait to sit around and do some more nothing. Life is good, and I thank God for all he is.

A lake of gold in the desert sand
Is less than a cool fresh spring-
And to one lost sheep, a shepherd boy
Is greater than the richest king.
If a man lose ev'rything he owns,
Has he truly lost his worth?
Or is it the beginning
Of a new and brighter birth?

So how do you measure the worth of a man-
In wealth or strength or size?
In how much he gained or how much he gave?
The answer will come,
The answer will come to him who tries
To look at his life through heaven's eyes.

"Waiting For Elijah"

So I'm listening to some hippie looking/sounding band called Seatrain (album cover above) and I think I'm in love. The first song is called "Waiting For Elijah" and it's just fitting my mood right now. I love that about buying cheap and used vinyl in Pittsburgh. This record was a dollar and I didn't even know what they're about. It's sick that I can just go on a limb and pick up some random peace of beautiful music. I'm amassing a pretty nice collection of vinyl also which is pretty nice.

Shout out to Biggame for getting me two records for xmas! Thanks brother.

Anyhows, I always get inspired to blog as soon as I get home because I realize just how much I miss home every single time. Don't get me wrong, Pitt is cool, but nothing beats home and comfort. Nothing beats my friends. Nothing beats family.

It's interesting because there's nothing like youth group back here. The funny thing about Christmas and all the sermons that come around that time is that you usually don't learn anything new. But the fact is that sometimes all you need is to re-hear what you've already heard. I know about God's grace, I've felt it and experienced it. But I fall into sin and heartache and destruction all the time. I'm a human. But I still find comfort in the same God and the same saviour that the likes of Abraham, Jacob, David, Paul, and Moses found comfort in. That's incredible. I just wish I could live the way I should be living all the time.

Jesus was so strong. I believe that should never be forgotten.

He was able to do what I never could do. I could never lay down my life for a bunch of people that hated me willingly, let alone live a life so humbly with the titles of "Saviour", "Messiah", "Prince of Peace",and "Emmanuel". How extraordinary was Him.

Anyways I'm just glad I got to be around such lovely people tonight. It's awesome to be back and remember what life is really about. It's about love. It's about the people. Every single time.

God Bless

"Waiting for Elijah. (he's been gone so long now)
Waiting for Elijah. I hope he's comin' soon.
Here I've gone and set a place for you. I've even filled your glass.
I remember every word you said, and how they've come to pass.

Even, even, eventually. Even, even, eventually.

And these bleeding wounds that just won't mend. (and neither will the wind)
White geese in the northern sky release the rainbow's end.
How brightly shines the moon tonight. Our words lay where they fell.
Here we listen, watch, and wait. I lift mine ear to tell you,

Even, even, eventually. I say, even, even, eventually.

And I'm waiting for Elijah. (he's been gone so long now)
I'm waiting for Elijah. I hope he's comin' soon.
I hope he's comin' soon"

Filthy

I like the word. I love the word when it's used to describe music. Especially dubstep. I finally got around to making a new mix. It goes pretty hard so heads up.

Filthy Bangers by Dj Jango

I wish I could sing well. It seems like such a pure way to communicate your emotions.

"Be known by the love you live by"

I found this on Michaela's facebook and it's just so right. To be honest I haven't had the honor of having an extensively long and eye opening conversation with her, but at the same time I don't feel like I need to. The way she presents herself and the way she humbles herself and strives for what she loves is really awesome and it can be seen in any contact you have with her. I'm so glad I've had the opportunity to hear her words and wave to her at a football game. People like her on this earth just remind you of all the good things, the light. I'm glad to call you my friend today bud and I hope you find all the wonderful things this world and its God have to offer.

Wonderful Counselor

So my church here in Pittsburgh had a Christmas concert and it was wonderful. There's something about worship with such a large body of people that just resonates with who I am. The solo work was great and the actors told the story of Jesus's birth from the perspectives of Kings, Mary, and Shephards. It was really interesting because it highlighted just how extraordinary the story is. I forget how awesome it is that God was living in flesh. One of the men who was impersonating the King said something along the lines that the most glorious Jesus came to lay down his glory. That's so crazy, the fact that he was here and still leads people day in and day out.

When I feel the spirit in a place like that it makes me wonder how people can deny not only God's existence, but his love for us. As my eyes feel up with tears and my body grows numb with goosbumps I can literally feel him wrapping around me. It's that feeling of hope, love, and peace. Nothing beats that. Nothing beats knowing that you're where you're supposed to be and that you're happy and you're loved and appreciated and understood. That's so crazy.

Beyond that it just pushed me to open my eyes to the world. Different people from different heritages came up and read scripture in different languages. That's what really blows my mind about this love for Jesus. There are literally all different types of people from all different religious backgrounds around the world in many different languages worshipping my God. These people have the same hope that I have and are loved by the same God. The fact that we all can meet in the same place and worship together is such a special thing. That's why people come back to him. Because once you've had a taste of his love, you realize you can't live without it. As soon as you get a taste of his living water, it's impossible to exist without feeding the thirst you have for him.

God is just so overwhelming and beyond my measure that I can't understand. I must confess I do try to put God into a box. I start to rationalize like I have an idea what such a great force could be planning or thinking. I inquire and compare my own "plans" to his grand scheme like mine make a difference, like God won't do what is according to his will anyhow. It's funny how I do that. In the Bible God set those who questioned him unjustly straight. He'd ask things like, "Who was it that formed the mountains and cut the valleys? Oh yea... that was me." He's just so beyond my expectations that I literally just have to give him the credit he is due.

I've written this post just to tell everyone that I am the way I am because of him. The blessings that I've received which are undeserved are all because of his grace. I don't understand why he loves me, but I'm happy that he cares for me more than I care for myself. I can't fathom what my life would be right now without him leading me. I'm so thankful for all he's done and I just want to remind everyone coming into the Christmas season that this holiday is about the birth of the Son of God. The boy that would grow up to do no evil. The man that would be called "wonderful counselor" and "Immanuel". This man would later die an undeserved death which would change the world forever. It's not a myth, it's not a fairy tale, it's love.

I hope everyone has an awesome holiday break and good luck to everyone on their midterms.

God is with us :).

a toast to dubstep

get ready to rage :)

I've been saying something a lot recently due to my uncanny ability to attract bad "luck" that I think everyone needs to get reminded of...

"Every victory is a victory."

Remember that the next time something doesn't work out and you realize that, "hey the sun's out", or "hey I'm alive", or "hey, I did better on that test than I thought, or "hey, there's one more twix left in the vendy!". Remember and give thanks for the little things.

sincerity

Procrastination leads to happy Mervyn time.

So tonight I was just looking at pictures, which is pretty much what I do 80 percent of my time. And I was just continuing to just see the love in people. It's so weird how you can see that. I don't have to ask about it, I can just see someone's eyes in a photo or see their smile and you just know it's sincere, you know it's real. It's the same with God. In so many people I can just see Jesus pouring out of them. That's a beautiful thing. Sights like that lift me up. These simple things remind me of what's important, and that's people. No man wants to die alone. I hope people see something similar in me :).

emmmmmmmmmaaaaaaa

BridgeCityFilms had a meeting with an agent who said Emma Watson is confirmed for Perks of Being a Wallflower. Starts shooting early 2011 in Pittsburgh.
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Heard it's an awesome book. Should be a great movie. Maybe I'll see her.


*wishful thinking*

So i was just snooping around on youtube and I stumbled across this spanish Hillsong video. Which I found so beautiful, just because I know the words in english and they're speaking them in a different language and I still get the same reaction. God is so beautiful, he transcends all things. He can penetrate my heart so easily. I still get goosebumps when I listen to this and see an ocean of people in positive harmony. Nothing beats that.

I don't remember the last time I was this happy about nothing. It feels good to be back.

"Immanuel"

Music is so powerful.

Psalm 91: 9-13

If you make the Most High your dwelling--
even the Lord, who is my refuge---
then no harm will befall you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

what happened?

I'm tired tonight so maybe that has something to do with this.

At the moment I'm in one of those moods where just everything seems to get on my nerves. And it's not because things aren't how I want them, it's because people just don't seem to understand the way I think. People don't understand why certain jazz songs with no words bring tears to my eyes. They don't understand how liberating it is to sing with your eyes closed. They can't see that there's no good that comes from saying curse words. They don't see why I don't like drinking, why I don't like screaming in the halls and telling the same old stories.

Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe people haven't been fortunate enough to have been raised like I was. Maybe they don't have strong feelings about life. Maybe they're just alright with how things are.

I just can't see where the change happened. Where beautiful girls acquired dirty mouths. Where guys figured out it was "cool" to smash pizza into the carpet floor and talk about how many girls they got with. Maybe I just don't have fun, or maybe I'm lame or boring. Maybe I missed the memo where in college you can do anything you want, so i'll just punch a whole in the cieling since I was never able to do that at home.

Where did the time go. People just seem undesireable at this stage of life right now. I find myself not wanting more friends, not wanting to meet new people. I know I judge too much, but it's tough not to when I find out that so many people are the same. I'm learning that it really takes stamina to run this race. I've learned that I can't live with people I don't know. I've learned that I'm extremely OCD about certain things being clean, like made up beds. I've learned that I can't stand living with people that just leave trash on the floor, or have dirty trash cans with no bags. I can't stand getting woken up because my space is literally someone else's space.

And despite all these complaints, I've learned that it's not personal. I just want to be with those I love, and those that love Him. It's tough living with someone that I can't look to for advice, I can't talk to about friends, relationships, God, etc. He just doesn't really know about it here. It's different. And that's cool. It's just frustrating sometimes. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone that'll listen and accept what I think, the way I say things, the way my voice quakes and cracks when I sing. I feel like those people are few and far between. And they change over time.

I guess that's why the pictures mean so much to me. I can literally look and remember how things used to be. They weren't super different, but things definitely have changed. And the sad thing is that it's just a cycle. The same seniors from this year will be the girls I see next year passing out and throwing up in guest bathrooms. It's just an ugly cycle. People are just so blind.

I feel like I've lost hope. Not for myself, but just for this whole college social life. Who decided that alcohol was going to be the main extracurricular and why is it mandatory on most university campuses? Why is that? Like who said that this is how it should be and got everyone to catch on? I don't get it.

Anyways, I'm going to bed.

I just want to be alone, and close my eyes to see something more beautiful than what I see when they're open.

"there’s something magical about screaming, completely unarmed yelling for joy"

I read this in my friend jimmy's blog. This man is wiser beyond his years. Glad you're enjoying yourself kiddo.

(akward sobs)

Christmas Message from Emma
Hi everyone,

Well, I think it’s safe to say this has been a pretty busy year for me!

On the work front, I designed an organic clothing collection with Alberta Ferretti due out next Spring, a fair trade range for People Tree also due to be released in the Spring, fronted the Burberry Spring/Summer 2010 campaign, had my first British Vogue cover, filmed a small part in My Week With Marilyn alongside Michelle Williams and Eddie Redmayne and, of course, filming finished on the very last Harry Potter film!

I also completed my first year at Brown and began my second year this September. I am so glad I made the decision to go to university there - it continues to be an amazing experience and I have made so many great friends. Oh, and I had a haircut, you might have read about it…!

I just wanted to send you all a quick message to say Merry Christmas. I continue to be overwhelmed by the love and support you all give to me. I really do appreciate it. So wherever you are this December, I hope you have a fantastic Christmas and wish you a wonderful New Year.

Love Emma xx


This girl still dazzles me (yes, dazzles). What a beautiful and intelligent being.